a christmas poem

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Early morning woken by the young,

Checking for the boot marks in

The flour sprinkled late last night.

Wrapping paper torn in ribbons,

Only one gift really matters,

The socks, the pants, the chocolate coins

All pushed aside in readiness for food.

Let’s not forget the pigs in blankets

And the turkey being eaten for another week,

The Christmas pudding and the yule log too.

And then to sofas all across the land,

To watch the speech from the main lady

Followed by our Mary Poppins and

A Strictly special, maybe games of Twister

Added to the pints of booze

Making sure that dad will lose.

Finally we traipse to bed, warm with love,

The sound of sleigh bells flying high above.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Love Rachel xx

COVID is worming its way in

woman in brown dress holding white plastic bottle painting
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Its warty fingers tear at us,

Our lives, our literature

Is peppered with its ugly spores,

So normal now

What once was strange,

We’ll always know this time.

There was a time around February or early March last year where I think we all believed that COVID was serious but would probably blow over in three or four weeks. Oh how naive we were.

It’s strange because now it seems to be permeating the one place that I used to escape to: books.

I have started noticing books where the main characters have started homeworking and there are children’s books that will mark this time in history too. It seems that the bug that I thought would pass in a few weeks, is going to last for eternity in the form of pictures and words.

It was weird reading the first novel where COVID appeared and it felt like a bit of a jolt because that part of my imagination had remained untouched by the virus thus far. It almost felt as shocking as it did when we first started going into lockdowns.

I guess that goes to show just how powerful our imaginations are, and how it is almost like another ‘real life’ world that we occupy. Make sure that you fill yours with good things.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the hospital drama

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Doors swing open as action blows its way

Into bright emergency rooms, tornado-ing

Through groups of nurses swapping notes.

‘Heart rate 120, patient unconscious’

Shouts the paramedic, while the wheels

Are screaming on the polished floor.

‘You’re safe now’ a doctor whispers

In her flower ear. But she can see the light

That filters from the ceiling tiles,

And she knows as havoc floods away,

A gentle peace will come her way.

TV doesn’t like an ending like this one

But who’s to stop this little girl

From gently slipping out this way?

how do therapists do it?

tissue paper on container near glass window
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The heaviest weight

That squashes and squeezes

Til the air can’t be held

In these lungs any more,

That is the weight

Of their problems just dropped

Onto her lap, not wrapped with a bow,

Tell me, where does that pain go?

I have just started listening to the audiobook version of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb and it just made me think about how hard it must be to shoulder the weight of all those problems coming into your office each day.

I struggle to deal with the teenage problems that come into my room and I’m not even meant to be dealing with their issues. I have sometimes gone home feeling drained and sad for the kids in my class, taking on some of the pain they float my way.

I take my hat off to those people who listen to horrible stories of pain each and every day. It must be a real skill to keep yourself walled off so that you don’t make yourself sick.

I’m looking forward to listening to the rest of the book on my long runs this holiday. I’m sure I’ll laugh and I’ll cry throughout. I guess that’s how they do deal with the job; cling onto the successes and the funny stories that they are let in on.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the village country dance

traditional maypole with colorful ribbons
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Little girls in gingham skirts,

Scarlet neckties, braided hair

And bleached white pumps, scuffed with grass stains

As the tinny music plays, blasting over speakers

Placed at corners of the village green.

Teachers watch on proudly as their dancers swing

And do-si-do around their little square.

So very British that it hurts, but now

A rite of passage for the English rose.

I was going through old photos the other day and I came across a picture of me in the country dancing team back in the early 90s. I was about seven and we had all been bused out to a small village where lots of other seven year olds had gathered to dance.

We knew the music and the steps ahead of time and our teacher made sure we knew them ahead of time. We were also lent an old gingham skirt and a red necktie that we teamed up with white T-shirts and pumps. The photo shows us all sitting together on a sunny village green ready to start our dancing.

I had to smile as I looked at the photo; there was something so very British about it. In the background there is even a maypole. I love these memories of growing up in rural England. It has shaped the person I have become and who knows what I would be like if I’d grown up in Alaska or Auckland?

Much Love

Rachel xx

watching people swim

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Their strokes are long and loping,

Pulling through, towards the edge of pools,

Hypnotizing in their steady beat.

I sometimes need that sound to block

Infernal voices in my head, and then

There’s always such a dazzling blue

As chlorine fumes will scratch away the dirt

And eyes are rested by the turquoise hue.

I have started my Christmas break and I have to admit that I have been feeling a bit unsettled. I guess it’s pretty normal to feel a bit anxious and scratchy when you suddenly slam the brakes on. Life is normally so fast and letting that go can make you feel a little unsettled.

However, I have found over this weekend that watching swimming vlogs has really calmed me. I was a swimmer as a kid and so the sounds and the sights are really calming to me. They take me back to a simpler time in my life.

I have literally watched hours of these YouTube videos, immersing myself into that world that brought me so much comfort for so many years. I’m sure everyone has a safe place where just the sounds of it make you feel protected.

It has made me think that I need to start swimming again. I miss just putting my head under the water and feeling like I’m flying for just a few hours. It’s the ultimate form of escapism when life feels a bit overwhelming.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the time traveler’s cousin

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He was a cousin of mine

Who I saw only at Christmas

And sometimes at Easter, but then

I started to see him appear in text books,

In pictures of wars and protests

That shaped the world we know today.

I asked him one day

If that was him who I saw

Behind the President

Smiling in black and white

Like he’s looking directly at me.

I love stories about time travel. There is something so interesting about having that ability to move across time. There are so many things that you can do with a story where those barriers of time have been broken down.

To begin with there is the ability to change the big things in life; the disasters that have changed the world. Wouldn’t it be amazing to know that you could step in and stop something that hurt so many people?

And then, perhaps more fun, would be just changing the small things that are personal to you. Just being able to rewind a couple of minutes when you’ve said something stupid and you wish you could take it back would be a wonderful thing.

But then again, I guess those silly mistakes we have made are the things that have shaped us and got us to the exact point in time we are in now. So would I really want to change that?

I still do believe that there are time travelers out there; who appear in old photos or rescue certain people when the odds are stacked against them. I just wonder if I have ever met one?

Much Love

Rachel xx

so this is christmas….

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And what have you done,

Another year over

And a new one just begun.

Sorry for a bit of plagiarism there, but I kind of feel that those lines sum up the feelings there are at this time of year. I have had some epic years and some that have been absolute shit shows; but now is always the time to relect.

And I don’t know about everyone else, but it makes me feel really emotional.

There are normally lots of recaps of the year on TV too and you can’t help but remember that moment in time through rose tinted glasses. In England we have had the football, Emma in the tennis and the Olympics. We also had the final of Strictly Come Dancing last night and that ended in many tears.

However your year has panned out there will be some amazing things that have happened. You’ve probably forgotten about them because it’s so much easier to cling onto the bad bits. Spend some time remembering those good bits and use them to stay hopeful.

Much Love

Rachel xx

who are you calling in the dark times?

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Who are you calling when the clouds hang low

And the sunlight fails to come through?

When you’re fumbling for phones and your face is aglow

With the light from the screen, blinking so blankly,

Growing our hope when there really is none.

There will be a time when you need that saved number

And a hand in the dark to pull towards light,

When you’re sure that there’s nothing left worth the fight.

I trained alongside a girl who was teaching in England for two years having come over from Australia. When I was over in South Africa I was unbelievably homesick so I could only imagine how she felt in the middle of a pandemic.

However, that was some sixteen years ago and so I had forgotten those feelings and how painful they could be. I was only reminded when we were teaching the Year 7s A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness.

We had just reached the bit that breaks everyone’s hearts and we were all in our staff room talking about our thoughts and how the Year 7s didn’t seem to ‘get it’.

It was then that this Australian girl said that when she had finished with the class that day, she had immediately pulled out her phone and messaged all her family on the other side of the world telling them how much she loved them.

I felt my heart give a little twinge when I heard her say that. My mum had just moved away to I don’t know where and I was wondering if anyone actually loved me. I realised that I had one less person that I could reach out to when life got tough.

Hold onto those people with all of your might; it’s sad when you lose them.

Much Love

Rachel xx

the safety of the car

photo of person driving a vehicle
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The sun will brush its fingers at the glass,

But all I feel is warmth.

The angry people beep their horns,

But all I hear is music.

The job I’m driving to is killing me inside,

But all I do is sing.

And I’ve got too many bills to pay this month,

But in my car those threatening envelopes

Flutter from the open windows on a motorway,

A flurry of the paper snow

That swings us down to epic lows.

I finished work early today as it was the final day of term. It was lovely to jump in my car in the daylight hours and get home before I had to turn my headlights on.

But what was more satisfying was putting the radio on and listening to Jeremy Vine. That sounds a bit sad, but I do have my reasons.

I used to work in the afternoons from 1-6pm and on my way to work I would listen to Jeremy Vine. It was during the time immediately after I left a really awful job and the relief after leaving it was immense.

After having a really tough time, I felt like I had been caught in a really soft cloud and somehow Jeremy’s voice has become synonymous with relief; hearing it makes me feel like I’ve just been allowed to take a deep breath after having been forced to go without air for far too long.

It was only as I drove home today that I remembered just how relaxed I felt in those days. Perhaps it’s also because I feel like I’m gasping for breath after the trauma of my first term teaching?!

Much Love

Rachel xx