When I first started going to therapy I was convinced that everyone hated me and was determined to “get me”. Quite frankly it was a terrifying time. I’m sure most people have that moment of paranoia where they walk into a room and it goes silent and you just know that everyone was talking about you. They probably weren’t but your head is playing tricks with you and wants you to believe it.
Since going to therapy and sorting myself out (a bit), I’ve gained an awareness that I didn’t have before and this helps me to identify when this is happening. It’s meant that although I frequently get worried that people don’t like me, I don’t let it spiral now. I give myself a good talking to when it happens and I’ve not had too many problems in a while.
But just recently I’ve had a bit of a turbulent time and I’m noticing the feelings creeping in, slowly and stealthily. It’s probably the reason behind why I’m doing this blog and youtube channel, because I know that I don’t want other people to feel crappy. I want to uplift them and make them feel pretty amazing.
My current issues have started with a family issue that had gone so much further than any of us expected. I won’t go into details but it’s meant that I’ve moved house and I’m questioning if I was ever really loved by one of my parents. That’s a truly painful thing to grapple with and I’m sure that it’s something that a lot of people have had to think about. It’s left me feeling unbalanced with one of my pillars of strength gone. Usually I would have turned to alcohol but now I don’t even have that so I have to really sit with my feelings.
I can wallow in my feelings and it’s good to do that for a time but I also now realise the I need to take times like this to step back and look at the bigger picture and all the people who do actually love me. Everyone has to do this at times and even if you feel totally alone I hope that you find some strength in Jesus. Just read the bible and you will see that there is always somebody who loves you more than words can express. That’s enough to get me out of my dark places but if you do still need help always reach out to someone like the Samaritans or call the emergency services or your GP. You never know what’s waiting around the corner so don’t give up because there might be something amazing in the works!
Also make sure that you have a forgiving and loving heart. The person who has chosen to walk from my life doesn’t like me very much right now but I hope and pray that they will return. If I allow bitterness to set in then there’s no chance of reconciliation. That’s something that I cannot and will not allow to happen.
Much love to all of you and have a lovely day!