there is a tape recording in my brain,
i find it starts to play at times
when i am stressed or tired or sad.
the voice is somewhat sinister
although there is the chance it’s me.
she tells me that i am unlovable,
a joke, a blemish on society.
she repeats herself, looping round and round.
she carries on until i crack,
until i start believing in
the horrid words she says.
i wish i had some evidence
to throw back in her face.
but there has only been the one
and it was he who pulled the rug
from underneath my feet.
and since that ghastly day back then
she’s continued with her rant,
repetitive and sometimes boring
but always there and always gnawing
at the edges of my mind.
reminding me that i can never
be the woman that’s loved forever.
I sometimes worry that I am the most unlovable person ever. I worry that my husband only married me for a passport and in the ten years since he left us, I have had no boyfriends.
I’ve watched all of my friends go through a plethora of men while I’ve had nothing. It hurts to think that maybe I’m really ugly or really nasty or not successful enough to warrant love. Or am I sabotaging relationships that could have grown into something? Who knows. All I can tell you is that I feel as though nobody has ever loved me.
And now, to make matters worse my family has just imploded and my parents are getting divorced. I have leaned on them so heavily and now I feel like I have lost one of them. I am genuinely scared that everyone I love is slowly slipping away and soon I will have nobody.
I know that I am strong and things happen in their own time, but when that little tape recording in my head clicks on, it’s really hard to shake the idea that I must be a burden. I hope that anybody else who is feeling this way at Christmas can find some nice people to spend time with. There is always somebody who cares about you and they would miss you terribly if you weren’t there. Stay strong and remember that God takes his own time and He will bless you with exactly what you need at exactly the right time.