why i don’t want to grow a pair of balls

Why don’t you grow a pair? she said

Making a cupping action with both

Of her sweet, delicate little hands.

I rolled my eyes and turned away.

Because maybe I don’t want to,

I whispered underneath my breath.

Maybe I quite like the fact that I have skin

So fucking paper thin

That even quiet words can cut their way

Through to vital organs like

A heart, a soul, a brain.

Too thin to shin my way up to the top

Of that greasy pole you all seem keen

To reach the top so quick, it’s sick.

I’d rather crane my neck and watch,

But feel the world around with such

Intensity it sometimes hurts to breathe.

It hurts, that’s right, and I’ll never have

The balls you wish for me to grow

But I am blessed to have the words,

To feel the feels, and to connect

In ways that you can only wish to know.

I just watched Miss Americana on Netflix, and wow. Taylor Swift is a queen. I know that there are people reading this who will be rolling their eyes and saying that she is annoying and shallow and blah blah blah, but I like her and I’m old enough and ugly enough to stand by my own opinions.

I think that I like her so much because she can connect with us through her writing in a way that most people can only dream of. And I always imagine that pop stars are tough and hardened to any kind of stick they get from the internet, but I saw from the documentary that she isn’t like this. And it’s kind of her super power. Her soft side is what helps her connect with millions of us, because we’ve all felt vulnerable and we like to hear somebody who apparently has it all say that they feel vulnerable too.

I wrote this poem because towards the end of the film Taylor said “I want to keep my pen sharp, and my skin thin”. This made me stop and look up because I didn’t think successful people ever wanted thin skin. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say they want thin skin before. But as a writer, perhaps this is something that I should be hoping and praying that I have forever.

If you feel like you are battling to withstand the horrible crap that the world can throw at you, feel comforted in the knowledge that we all feel that way, whether you are an admin assistant, a lawyer, a toilet cleaner, a pop star, a politician or anyone else. We’re all human and we all feel that way sometimes. But also know that it is a beautiful thing to be able to feel so intensely. It means that you are able to connect with people in a magical way and that, my friend, is something to be proud of.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

2 thoughts on “why i don’t want to grow a pair of balls

  1. ceponatia

    In 2010 I probably would have been rolling my eyes, but sober Brian is much more open minded and understands how much skill and talent go into being the top of the food chain in the pop world. I always hated pop music growing up and I told myself it was because they “didn’t write their own songs” or that it wasn’t as complicated as “real” music. But those were just excuses because pop songs are actually quite complex, structurally. Maybe not as complex as a four-movement orchestral composition, but neither was what I was listening to. Lol.

    1. patientandkindlove

      Yep, pop music is so accessible and the lyrics can really hit you in the feels. Sometimes it might just be one song in a million but there is always something out there that will resonate with you (especially once you get sober!)

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