So when exactly was it that

My brain did crystallise

Into what it is today?

That moment when it set into

It’s asymmetric form,

Both ugly and misshapen,

While also strangely beautiful.

A pretty little snowflake of sorts,

But maybe not as delicate,

So perhaps a bit more like a sculpture

Chiselled from the ice.

Did it freeze when I was just a baby

When my mum ignored my strangled cries?

Or was it at the age of eight

When the bullies clawed their way within?

Or was it when I turned sixteen

And thought that smoking weed was cool,

In some park on warm and humid summer nights?

It could have been at any time,

But now I fear that there’s no room for any change.

I could take a blow torch to that complicated structure,

And still it wouldn’t melt.

I am me,

A long and varied, twisting, turning story,

And quite the epic journey.

Since I started going to therapy I have been fascinated by how the brain works and why we behave in the way that we do. I haven’t studied psychology but I’ve had several in depth conversations with a friend who is doing her masters and what I have learnt is mind blowing.

Of course, it is all a bit of an uncertain science, but it is thought that a lot of our personality traits could be set within the first eighteen months of our lives. So, if you have had something traumatic happen in that early stage of your life, it could affect the rest of your life, even though you have no recollection of it.

I always thought that I had a really great childhood but as I worked with my therapist, I found that there was quite a lot of early trauma. Although, it was later on in my childhood, it probably still had a huge impact on how I behave now.

This is great because it means that I know where my ‘bad’ behaviours come from and so I can work on stopping them before they happen. I’ll still act on impulse, but this knowledge gives me a bit of a buffer zone.

If you have had a hard childhood then I think you are amazing if you have managed to come through it and live a happy and productive life. We all get a little bit screwed up by our parents because nobody is perfect, so remember that you are not alone. We are all battling with that little child inside our head who just wants to feel loved and safe.

Much Love,

Rachel xx