That episode of Homeland
When Carrie goes bat shit;
She wants a green pen and they only have blue.
I get that on a cellular level.
I don’t think I’m bipolar,
But I know that desperation.
The scrabbling at the surface of the slippery wall,
In a scary attempt to escape the hell
That is inflicted on me,
While everyone else is left scratching heads
And wondering where things
Took a horrible turn.
I was actually off work when I watched the episode where Carrie totally lost it at the end of the first series. I had had another funny turn at work and the doctor had given me some time to sort my head out.
My heart went out to her as I watched because I could totally understand how something so little can set you off when you’re feeling frantic and fragile anyway. It was also lovely to see Saul being so understanding.
I have always found it hard because I always smile and joke all the way up until the time I crack. And it can often be something weird that does set me off. It’s really easy for people around me to think I’m still joking and to poke fun at me which obviously makes things even worse.
I just wanted to write this post to remind people that it can be scary to go down that rabbit hole. If somebody you know suddenly starts acting very strangely, don’t make fun of them. Be a little bit more compassionate and maybe pull them to one side and ask them if everything is OK.
And if you can feel yourself becoming a bit wobbly, let someone know before it becomes a big problem and you snap over something small. It can be terrifying because it can feel like life and death, so I understand the fear that you feel. You will not die, though, and you WILL get through it. And most importantly, you will learn from it so that next time around it is easier for you.