it’s the best that i could do

I tried so hard that it hurt my heart

To see the tangled mess I’ve made.

Those bloody books you buy so much,

The ones that should’ve pumped me up

And made me feel just like a queen;

They tell me that I’m meant to scrape

Myself back up from on the floor.

I should be skipping through this life

Like Mary fucking Poppins.

But even Mary had her darker side.

I’m sure she struggled out of bed

On days when kids were little pricks.

*

But really, what other choice do we have?

And who knows what is up ahead?

And so I’ll pay attention to those books,

I’ll push myself to carry on

And find another way.

I did the Enneagram test yesterday and I came out as a Type 6. On reading through the description of this personality type I found that it was scarily close to me.

The type 6 is known to be very worried about anything and everything and they are always on the lookout for perceived risks and problems. If a type 6 gets too stressed they can start to become paranoid and think that they are the problem. This pretty much describes what I have gone through in the last couple of weeks!

Anyway, reading about my own personality type got me thinking about how I deal with failures and big problems. And in all honesty, I have to admit that I tend to just drop the ball and run (mainly out of fear).

I’ve realised that my personality type is known for not having much faith in themselves, they always reach outwards to anything from bosses to spouses to religion. So I’ve realised that in order to strengthen myself I need to have a bit more faith in my own decisions and intuition.

When things go wrong I need to stop running away and maybe find a different way. This sounds so basic and obvious, but when I’m in my reactive mode it’s really hard to override my flight response.

If you’re like me, next time there’s a problem take a moment before you react. Think where you could end up if you actually stick around and try again. I think of all of the opportunities I must have missed because I’ve given up when I feel like I’ve messed things up too much.

The real mistake is the giving up, so give it another go. Try doing it in a different way. The world isn’t caving in because we have done something badly. Us type 6 people can be so reliable and positive and loving if we can just overcome these crushing feelings.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

PS. I highly recommend having a go at the Enneagram test that I used, here. It gives you a good insight into where you can help yourself.

Also, if you are really struggling self help book are not going to cut it. Get to your GP or call the Samaritans. The website I used actually said that unhealthy type 6 people are at a high risk of alcohol and drug abuse. Don’t go down this path because it’s a pretty dark one but I can understand how it happens!

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