the boy i loved from near

We sat across the table in companionable silence.

He was bent over his crossword

And I just watched as I nursed a coffee mug,

Shouting out answers to clues he was stuck on.

I loved him,

But I never told him.

So can I blame him that he found someone else?

Still, it aches more than anything I’ve ever felt

To watch his relationship play out in shots

Perfectly captured on her Instagram.

Next time I’ll be braver and bolder

And swallow the fear that I’ll be beaten down.

I’ll tell him what’s really on my heart.

And maybe next time I won’t have to suffer

This pain in my chest

All for the boy that I loved from near.

We always talk about loving someone from afar, but I often find that most of my secret crushes have been for men who I know really well as friends first. So I feel like we should be saying ‘I loved you from near’ instead.

I had one male friend who I spent loads of time with. We went running and we would eat together on every Saturday night. I told all my friends about him and between us girls we had pretty much married me off to him.

However, I hadn’t had that conversation with him. Perhaps it was because I was scared of rejection, of losing a great friendship. But the fact remains that I didn’t tell him I liked him until it was too late.

He found a girlfriend, I lost my shit and now I don’t see him at all.

It’s so sad that it had to pan out like that but it has taught me that I should try to overcome these insecurities and just go for it. It’s a pity that it’s the hardest thing to do when you are already friends.

If you are struggling to tell somebody that you like them, I think you just need to bite the bullet and tell them. I wouldn’t want you to lose a good friend like I did, and all because I didn’t have the confidence the handle the situation like and adult.

Much Love

Rachel xx

3 thoughts on “the boy i loved from near

  1. potatosandwich

    It’s a catch-22 situation sometimes, and it’s hard to know how the other person may feel too. We all look for clues…but yes it’s such a hard action to take. Thanks for sharing

  2. ceponatia

    Eeeegh I feel that poem all too much, actually made me cringe with the memories it brought up. Haha. Too many women in the past whom I was absolutely in love with but never told and then got mad when they wound up with someone. Then years later they told me they quite liked me in the old days. Still never learned, though.

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