There are some dark and dusty corners
In the recess of my brain.
It is a room where devils live,
Whispering fatal words,
“You’re evil and you know”.
But devils can be trained and tamed
Like climbing plants that overrun.
Give some care and perfect love
And angel wings will always sprout.
So I went to have an assessment with our local mental health team today. I wasn’t holding out much hope for any help because I’ve already been told I have an anxiety disorder. As far as I was concerned, they had given me medication and a course in CBT and then I just had to manage it.
However, as the lady went through the questions she said that it was a possibility that I had Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. She wasn’t a doctor so she couldn’t diagnose, but she said that it was a real possibility.
Now, I don’t really like labels but this one helped me ‘get over’ something that was really quite frightening for me at the time. I was struggling at work about three years ago and I was offered CBT for depression and anxiety.
Long story short, the CBT made everything worse to the point where I ended up with psychotic symptoms. I went through a long period where I really believed I was evil. Even recently, I have thought about that time and felt like it all happened because I’m a bad person. I have felt like the therapist was trying to help me and my evilness was what stood in the way of success.
I got a bit tearful today when the lady told me that people who have EUPD can have trouble with CBT because it makes them aware of all their faults but then doesn’t give them any coping skills to fall back on. It was a huge fucking relief.
So, I just wanted to write this to get it off my chest and to get it into my own head that I’m not evil. I tried one type of therapy that really didn’t work well and that doesn’t make me a bad person. We all have a little devil running around in our heads and we are all capable of training him. I just need to try something different.
I repeat, I am not evil.