It’s relentless, this push and pull.

Exhausting, one could say.

I want so much, to love,

But loving you is hard.

I crave that hug, the sweet embrace

That takes me back to four

When I skinned my knee,

When I needed you like now.

This time I’m changing it,

Not following the well worn path

That we have tripped along.

This time we will come out with a heart

Intact and far less fragile than

The times we just pretended that

It was all OK.

So, I finally saw my mum today. It has been eight months since I last saw her or spoke to her. And then the four months before that were riddled with hate and guilt and anger and shame and any other horrible emotion that you can think of.

Now, most people would think that this first meeting would be angry and awkward. But not for me. I sat down and had coffee with her and she didn’t even mention the fact that she’s not seen me in eight months. There was no mention of any problems at all.

This isn’t abnormal for me. She does sometimes stop talking to me for weeks and then just acts like everything is fine without any mention of there having been a problem. And I’ve always been so desperate for her love that I’ve just gone along with it.

But this time is going to be different. I briefly touched on the fact that we had to have some kind of relationship counselling if we are to keep going. This is such a big step and I hope that is pulls my mum out of this horrible pattern.

I know that relationships with mothers can be tricky for a lot of people and I know how you feel if yours is difficult. I hope that you also find a way to break out of the pattern that perpetuates the behaviour. I hope that this is the beginning of something new for me and my family. I just need to take it nice and slowly and tread very carefully.

Wish me luck,

Much Love

Rachel xx