He hates me

And it’s quite a simple thing.

That’s the way my mind will always read

A flash of hate, rebellion,

That boils up like a lightning strike.

There’s never been a chapter written

Earlier than the one I started in.

There’s never been an explanation

Other than the simple fact

That I could never be as good,

Could never be as liked.

If only I could one time see that character

Before the opening scenes.

To understand just what he feels

And that it has so very little

To do with me.

I still very frequently get that distinct feeling that I’m not like, that I’m not good enough. It’s always based on some sort of evidence which just makes the feeling worse, because I can prove my point to anyone who wants to tell me that I’m being silly.

However, I have started to realise that my evidence never takes into consideration anything that has happened into the moment in question. Since getting sober I have started to turn this around and it’s really starting to dawn on me, how hard I was making my own life for myself.

A perfect example happened yesterday at my new job as a Teaching Assistant in a primary school. I was left alone with the kids and within twenty minutes they were going crazy and the teacher came storming back into the room, shouting and bringing order about almost immediately.

My first instincts were to think that the kids only played up because they hated me and that the teacher hated me because I had done my job badly. I went home feeling really deflated and it was exactly the kind of thing that would make me quit without even trying.

However, I sat down today and thought through the situation with a clearer mind. I took into consideration the fact that it was a warm afternoon and these kids had been left with a novice. It was Friday and we were all tired. And the teacher didn’t reprimand me and tell me that I was doing a bad job.

All of these things need to be thought about and it really helped me take the pressure off myself. I’m sure we have all been in that place where we catastrophise something small that has gone wrong, but I would do it to the point where I would hate myself and now I’m giving myself a bit of a break.

If you’re blaming yourself for somebody’s reaction to what you have done, take a step back and think about what could have made things worse. And also, remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You need to try your best to be nice, but if someone takes offence when you are trying your best, that’s not your problem. Just be the best version of you that you can be and everything else will fall into place.

Much Love

Rachel xx