becoming a grown up means doing hard stuff

The dishes in the sink are lying

In dirt I cannot clean away

I wring the cloth and fell like I

Have also wrung my heart.

The blood spreads through thick white suds

And I’m not sure the knife sliced through

By accident or by some slip of madness.

I wish that I could just scream it out

But greasy water clogs my throat.

It’s dangerous, trying to wash up.

I never realised

Until my body hit the floor.

Ugh, I’m so torn as to whether or not I have done the right thing. My mother has just come back into my life after eight months of not talking to me. But we have just picked up were we left off with her slagging everyone off and I’m not allowed to say a word back. Last time I tried she locked me out of my home with my child.

Anyway, I sent her an email today to say that I will not carry on if she doesn’t agree to some sort of therapy with me. I had to be quite forceful in my email, not horrible, but I had to put my foot down.

I feel like I’m just becoming a proper adult at the age of 35 but it’s hard and I still wish that I could just curl up with a vodka and numb everything. I am a grown up though. I have shown that I can live on my own two feet for almost a year and I don’t need to be put into these frightening situations.

If you’re putting yourself down, spend a bit of time going through everything that you’ve achieved. Even if it’s just saving up for a holiday or keeping a goldfish alive, you’ve done that all by yourself. Congratulate yourself and move on to the next thing.

Much Love

Rachel xx

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