It must all build up inside my brain,
My eyeballs like little wine bottle stoppers
Holding back the tears and when they burst
It just comes and comes.
I just can’t stop until I fall
Into a puffy sleep where breathing’s hard
And dreams are such a sweet escape.
I’m not normally a crier, but…….. when those tears come, I find it really hard to stop. I admire all those people who can have a little cry and then put it behind them and crack on with work.
I’m like a burst dam that just keeps leaking. I once got shouted at by a customer at work and my manager had to send me home because I couldn’t pull myself together. I went home and carried on crying for another four hours!
Tonight I watched a sad programme and the tears started right at the end. It’s an hour later and although I’m no longer sobbing like I was that day at work, I do still feel like a snotty mess. And I feel flat, the kind of flatness that can only be shifted with sleep. I’m very familiar with that feeling.
I know that the reason I struggle to stop crying when I start is because I let my horrible inner voice take over. It’s the voice that tells my I’m nasty, that nobody likes me and that I’m a waste of oxygen.
It’s a nightmare and I’m sure there are tonnes of you out there who struggle with the exact same thing. I can tell you that I am getting better though. I’m learning to tell myself that the voice is talking bollocks.
I make mistakes because I’m human, but that doesn’t make me worthless. And we’re all allowed to have a good cry now and then and still come out the other side feeling like a valued human being. Because we all have an incredible amount of value and we must remember that.