i’m not normally a crier but…….

It must all build up inside my brain,

My eyeballs like little wine bottle stoppers

Holding back the tears and when they burst

It just comes and comes.

I just can’t stop until I fall

Into a puffy sleep where breathing’s hard

And dreams are such a sweet escape.

I’m not normally a crier, but…….. when those tears come, I find it really hard to stop. I admire all those people who can have a little cry and then put it behind them and crack on with work.

I’m like a burst dam that just keeps leaking. I once got shouted at by a customer at work and my manager had to send me home because I couldn’t pull myself together. I went home and carried on crying for another four hours!

Tonight I watched a sad programme and the tears started right at the end. It’s an hour later and although I’m no longer sobbing like I was that day at work, I do still feel like a snotty mess. And I feel flat, the kind of flatness that can only be shifted with sleep. I’m very familiar with that feeling.

I know that the reason I struggle to stop crying when I start is because I let my horrible inner voice take over. It’s the voice that tells my I’m nasty, that nobody likes me and that I’m a waste of oxygen.

It’s a nightmare and I’m sure there are tonnes of you out there who struggle with the exact same thing. I can tell you that I am getting better though. I’m learning to tell myself that the voice is talking bollocks.

I make mistakes because I’m human, but that doesn’t make me worthless. And we’re all allowed to have a good cry now and then and still come out the other side feeling like a valued human being. Because we all have an incredible amount of value and we must remember that.

Much Love

Rachel xx

3 thoughts on “i’m not normally a crier but…….

  1. crispina kemp

    I can feel for you with this. At my worst with cfs/me I couldn’t speak without crying. No emotional content, it just flowed. Another reason to self-isolate. Thankfully, now clear of cfs/me

      1. crispina kemp

        I’d never been one for tears, and still more likely to shed at the happy moments than the sad. But I read somewhere that tears contain our stress hormones… to cry is to reduce our stress levels…

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