baby steps

Standing in the toilet cubicle

My sleeve clenched tightly between my teeth

In the hope that the scream that’s boiling up

In my throat, ready to escape,

I hope to God, it won’t make it out.

I’m embarrassed, face burning, eyes stinging

And wishing that I could run across the great expanse

Of concrete to my car, my place that’s safe

With child locks on so no one claws their way inside.

It sounds quite desperate, doesn’t it?

When really I could break it down,

One small cube, held up to the light

Can look quite beautiful, like a little jewel

And not the mountain I am crying over.

Anyone else ever considered doing a runner from work? When everything is getting so on top of you, that running across the car park and never coming back is preferable to facing that mountain of problems that has built up?

I am ashamed to say that I’ve actually done it. I didn’t run, but I did casually sashay out of the office, get in my car and then speed away without looking backwards. And it’s all because I let things build up until it’s just too much to deal with.

I don’t want this blog to become a self help manual but I know that writing down my own advice will help me, because it always helps to write down my own pearls of wisdom. I might then actually start acting on it!

I found myself getting that feeling of being overwhelmed today. I’m starting a course and I need to get a tonne of paperwork sorted which is enough to induce a panic attack in itself. But I had let it all build up to the point where I couldn’t see the top of that mountain.

And you know how I’ve started to fix it? I’ve started to write a list and tick two things off a day, so I’ve already got rid of two this evening. And that is my really rubbish and really obvious advice. Write a bloody list!!!

Can you believe that took about three grand’s worth of therapy and there I am giving it to you for free. You are welcome, and I hope you have a wonderful evening.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

9 thoughts on “baby steps

  1. ceponatia

    I worked at Sam’s Club once, many years ago. If that’s not a thing where you live it’s basically Wal-Mart’s answer to Costco. If you don’t have Costco, I don’t know what to liken it to, lol. Anyway, worst job I ever had. After about 4 days I went on lunch and just never came back. Haha. Didn’t run, but same principle.

  2. Greg Dennison

    I wan to run away, but I don’t have anywhere to run to. And I make a list, but then I just end up beating myself up when it doesn’t get done… 🙁

  3. crispina kemp

    Been there. Three years into undiagnosed cfs/me, every 2 day sickness brought more evil looks. The stress piled. And piled. Instead of understanding I got accusations. And finally….
    Cuts to be made, workers to be laid off… redundant.
    A colleague said to me, “I watched you leave after your meeting with the CEO, no idea why you’d been called, but your strode out there like you’d won a war.”
    Redundancy meant massive downsizing of everything. Pauperism here I come. And I finally got the diagnosis. And the illness worsened. And I was happy. And I wrote, and wrote, and wrote… and now I publish. Yay!
    I know how you feel.

      1. crispina kemp

        I revisited that former workplace yesterday (took photos, it’s a very old building) the first time I’ve been anywhere near it since then

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