It’s hard when you see the finish line,
Not to feel the stomach tighten
And wish for time to turn so quick
That utter joy will fall upon you
In an instant, and not in days
Or months, or years; it’s now.
I have a real tendency to wish my life away. When something really exciting is about to happen, I just want it to happen right now. I cannot bear the thought of waiting. And while I am waiting, I spend all of my time fantasising about how wonderful my life will be when it does happen.
In recovery circles this is called projecting and I am a master of it. I find that I very rarely live in the present, which it is so important to try to do. I always find myself excited or nervous about the future, or mulling over something I have done wrong in the past.
Since getting sober I have really tried my best to get out of this pattern of thinking and I slowly feel it working. It’s still hard though, and I just wanted to put it out into the world that I’ve had almost four years practice and it’s still tough.
Tomorrow, I’m going to my first induction day ready to start my teacher training in September. It’s so exciting and I’m really looking forward to it. But past Rachel would have almost burnt out before she reached the day because she was just too bloody desperate for it to just happen so that her life could be perfect.
Now I have learnt that a teaching job is going to make my life perfect. It might bring in a bit more money and it might offer some more job satisfaction, but it won’t get rid of the bad days. Only a belief in myself can do that.
So, on the eve of my next adventure in life, I am telling myself not to get too carried away, to live in the moment and to enjoy the story that is about to unfold; bad bits and all.