Bitterness rises in in my throat like bile
It burns with fiery intensity
And shrinks me down to size.
I guess it’s shame, but then there’s flecks of hate
And when I turn it on the tongue
I wish that I could find a way
To soothe the tongue with silky sweets
That take my life to great new heights.
I have had a bit of a weird situation where someone else at my work went for the same teaching job that I did. I got a placement and she didn’t which is fair enough, but it turns out that everyone that works with us seems to have an opinion and it’s not entirely positive.
I work nights and I keep myself to myself most of the time, so most of these people know nothing about me apart from the fact that I’m quite quiet and sensitive.
Anyway, the girl I worked with last night told me that they had been discussing it and everyone had been wondering why I got a spot on the course and this other lady didn’t. It seems that most people thought I should be the weaker candidate.
In the past I would have been devastated on hearing this and I’d have struggled to face these people knowing that they ‘didn’t like me’.
However, I’m now really working hard at being confident in myself and I need to remember that their opinion is just that; it’s their opinion. And what does their opinion matter to me? The director of the programme who has forty years of teaching experience saw something in me and so I should be proud of that fact.
I’m learning (very slowly) that I need to have confidence in my own ability otherwise it will all just fall flat again. I earned that spot because I have the makings of a good teacher and I deserve to feel proud of that.
I also don’t have the right to be angry at people for having their own opinion. They’re not going anywhere by slagging me off after work so I really shouldn’t be worrying about them. I need to concentrate on moving forward myself so that I can be a good teacher and help loads of kids.
Getting even only makes you as good as the next person along. By concentrating on bettering myself against my own standards, the sky’s the limit. And that conserved energy can be used to help pull other people up too, rather than trying to push them down.
This mentality has helped me feel a lot less bitter and it’s meaning that I’m wasting far less energy. I think anger and bitterness are the most draining and uncomfortable emotions ever and I will do anything to reduce them in my life.
I may be learning slowly, but I am learning. And if I continue to grow in this way then perhaps I will be able to make the world a slightly better place, just because I was in it.