There’s something rather hypnotic about the gentle patter
Of feet on slick wet pavements
As miles tick by and thoughts disperse,
At least that’s what they tell you in the magazines.
What really happens is the thoughts grow sharper
With each deep and ragged breath
Until they’re razor sharp and hurt to touch.
I always end my runs in pain, gasping for the air
That makes me seethe with anger
And leaves me wondering if runs
Are quite as healing as they say.
I’ve been running since my son was born and he is now fifteen, so it’s been quite a while. But while I’ve built up a tolerance that means I can run further than I ever thought possible, I don’t seem to have built up the same tolerance for bad thoughts that pop into my head while running.
I’m not an outwardly aggressive person so anger feels quite painful to me, just because I don’t know how to let it out and express it. But where running should help me get away from all of those horrible feelings, it tends to give me time to let them fester.
I have sometimes come back from a run in tears because the emotion has been too overwhelming and it has made me consider giving up altogether. But then maybe I need that time to get angry while I’m out on my own and actually that time is really valuable in helping me to work through feelings?
It’s really difficult to love something so much, but also find it so painful at the same time. I will carry on because I feel like I need it in my life but I’d be interested to know if other people have the same love/hate relationship with something.
I just wish that I could get over this and make my runs feel more enjoyable again.