I’m soft and insignificant, easily worked
Into a shape that fits your world.
I won’t push back, resistance isn’t me.
I’m like a dough that’s stretched and pulled
And hammered down into a base
That’s topped with things that others want
With no concern for what I need.
Oh dear, I’m having a bit of a wobble. I’m stuck between two warring parents and I’m not going to be able to please either of them. I’m back to being that little girl that has no power of her own, she’s only here on this earth to please these two people.
At the moment mum won’t speak to me because she says that I’ve taken dad’s side and dad’s getting angry with me because I won’t sell my flat to keep hold of the home I grew up in.
It may seem a silly choice but I’m comfortable here and I know that I can afford to pay for it. I have horrible memories of that house now and if anything happens to him, I’m left with a house that I’m not sure I can afford.
I am desperately trying to find my voice so that I can be heard, but every time I raise it I’m told that I’m either evil or being ridiculous. Am I just a stupid little girl, or is my stupid choice a valid one?
I’ve lost one parent without even trying (she’s the one who thinks that I’m a devil worshipper because I go to recovery meetings where people are allowed to pray to a God of their understanding, rather than a Christian God), I don’t know if I can lose another one.
My heart hurts.
Much Love
Rachel xx
grumpygorman
Very well written and sincere. re-posted it here: https://grumpysgiftspoetry.org/2020/07/29/you-can-bully-me-into-doing-anything-rachel-of-patient-and-kind/
Thanks for sharing your words. 🙂
patientandkindlove
Thank you, that means a lot to me!
clivebennett796
Stick to your guns Rachel – it’ll hurt but it’s your life now 😊
patientandkindlove
Absolutely, I’m working hard at this!
ceponatia
I’ve thought about this a lot lately because my own relationship with my mother is quite toxic. Like you said, even the simplest interactions transform me into an emasculated little boy hiding in the corner. I don’t even know how to talk to her because even the mere suggestion that she’s wrong causes her to lash out. Do I just put up with it until I can afford to move out? Is a relationship with your “birth-family” even necessary in the big picture?
I have no answers, but those are the questions I ask daily. I hope for the best for both of us.
patientandkindlove
A lot of people in recovery have really difficult relationships with their mothers; I’ve heard it over and over. I think that sometimes the relationship can be so toxic it is better for everyone to just cut ties.
Nick
Hey Rachel, you’re your own adult person. I don’t know if it’s ok to say this but from what I’m reading it feels like your patents are treating you as their child still. It is not all about them. You are an adult on your own terms and you very far from insignificant. Please focus on what you need, when when people you love and who love you do not.
patientandkindlove
My mother is very domineering and it’s led me to worry that if I don’t do as I’m told everyone will hate me. I’m learning that I’m entitled to my own voice.
Nick
You’re your own adult self. I would encourage you not to have to do as you’re told 🙂 nor associate that negatively with not being liked. You are liked no doubt for being you, not for what is inappropriately expected of you.
crispina kemp
Such a difficult place to be.
I found the only way I could be free to be me was to attend first to my own needs.
I wish you well with it
patientandkindlove
I’m finally standing up for myself!
crispina kemp
That’s good. And I know it’s not easy
theresaly520
I’m sorry. I know where you’ve been. I can only wish you strength and great friends to help you along the way!❤💙💚💛🧡💜