i only got a bunch of flowers

close up photograph of flowers
Photo by Secret Garden on Pexels.com

Jealousy is green and decomposing in its hate,

A gangrene of the heart.

It spears through flesh and shows up weaknesses

Like spotlights on your ugly thoughts.

But jealousy can also teach us,

Show us where we need to grow

To stop the rot from taking hold

And slowly killing from the inside out.

I started this blog to be a little bit like a journal, so that I could tease out some of my deeper issues without having to fork out for a therapist. And so I try to be quite honest about my feelings, even if they are bad and uncomfortable to address.

I’ve noticed a bit jealousy taking hold recently and I’ve been turning it around in my mind and trying to learn where it is coming from and how I can better deal with it.

I left my job today and I got a lovely bunch of flowers and a card from my colleagues. This was so touching, but someone else left last week and they got a huge send off with loads of expensive gifts.

I could feel that uncomfortable stab of jealousy so I really had to sit down and think about why I felt this way.

I know that I work nights and she works days so she worked with a much bigger group of people who clubbed together for gifts. She has also been there for a year longer than me and she is a bigger character so people will miss her presence much more than mine.

These factors all help me to rationalise my feelings. But really I need to look at why I need the attention; what is that hole that I need to fill? It really is just a need for love and validation and I am sure that every human in history has felt that.

What this is teaching me is that I need to learn to be enough for myself without other people showering love on me. I got a lovely bunch of flowers which I am so grateful for. I need to remember that, and also remember that I am enough. I’m a beautiful human and so are you.

Much Love

Rachel xx

8 thoughts on “i only got a bunch of flowers

      1. Nick

        You’re amazing. I would wish you to have so much confidence in yourself. You can do things many others can’t. I think you should just be yourself and revel in being you 😊

  1. crispina kemp

    I agree, we all need that validation. But many a life has been lived in utter misery because the person has clung to an unworthy validater. Better to learn to self-validate.
    This is something that was recently driven into me as I started to stray down an unwise road… greedy for that validation. And I stopped, and I looked, and I said, No, you don’t need someone else to tell you so. And having said that, the person’s attraction vanished, as if into thin air.

      1. crispina kemp

        I grew up without it. A mother who only ever put me down. My teachers were my saviours which resulted in confidence academically and in writing, but not in personal life. That is something I had to learn, and I’m still too easily swayed by attention.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.