Jealousy is green and decomposing in its hate,
A gangrene of the heart.
It spears through flesh and shows up weaknesses
Like spotlights on your ugly thoughts.
But jealousy can also teach us,
Show us where we need to grow
To stop the rot from taking hold
And slowly killing from the inside out.
I started this blog to be a little bit like a journal, so that I could tease out some of my deeper issues without having to fork out for a therapist. And so I try to be quite honest about my feelings, even if they are bad and uncomfortable to address.
I’ve noticed a bit jealousy taking hold recently and I’ve been turning it around in my mind and trying to learn where it is coming from and how I can better deal with it.
I left my job today and I got a lovely bunch of flowers and a card from my colleagues. This was so touching, but someone else left last week and they got a huge send off with loads of expensive gifts.
I could feel that uncomfortable stab of jealousy so I really had to sit down and think about why I felt this way.
I know that I work nights and she works days so she worked with a much bigger group of people who clubbed together for gifts. She has also been there for a year longer than me and she is a bigger character so people will miss her presence much more than mine.
These factors all help me to rationalise my feelings. But really I need to look at why I need the attention; what is that hole that I need to fill? It really is just a need for love and validation and I am sure that every human in history has felt that.
What this is teaching me is that I need to learn to be enough for myself without other people showering love on me. I got a lovely bunch of flowers which I am so grateful for. I need to remember that, and also remember that I am enough. I’m a beautiful human and so are you.