freedom is bloody scary

brass wrought container
Photo by Jessica Cortez on

I’ve dreamt of spreading wings out wide

And taking flight far from my cage

But once I’m in the crisp, light air

I’m not quite sure what holds me up

And fear can make me draw back in

And plummet long before the helpful hand

Of kindly friends can reach out to

Prevent my fragile bones from crushing

As once again I failed to ask

For life support, I didn’t even warn

That there were problems, ah the freedom

Seemed so nice for just a moment then.

I’m starting to get a bit of freedom with classes as I enter my fourth week of training. It’s not loads of freedom but I am being left to design my own starter activity and the deliver it.

This is so exciting and I’m really looking forward to giving this a good go. However, freedom can also be a really scary idea and historically I don’t do very well with that fear.

I have a tendency to try my best to run with it but inside I’m cracking up. I don’t let anyone know and I’m really good at pretending to be fine. So when the inevitable fall comes nobody around me is expecting it. They are always totally taken by surprise when I just drop out or get sign ed off sick.

But this time I’m going to do things differently. I’m with a really supportive team so I’ll have a cry in the office if things go bad. I’m not drinking. I’m not being told that I’m going to fail by my well meaning mother. There are so many things stacked in my favour.

Things will go wrong at points this year and I know that the temptation to just go and get signed off or quit will be really overwhelming at times. But I may just be in a good enough place to embrace the freedom and also take my time with it.

Take your time this weekend. Breathe in and out and remember that people are there to hold your hand when your own wings are failing you.

Much Love

Rachel xx

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