They scratch inside my skull
Like claws of rats that never cease
To bring me pain and seething hate.
It’s never who I want to be,
But noises make a monster out of me.
I have the worst reaction to noises like chewing and sniffing and it’s plagued me since I was really young. I’m sure that many people have heard of misophonia and may struggle with it too, but I struggle to the point where it can be debilitating.
Today, I was stuck in a lecture with a girl who continued to suck her snot back up into her nose every 5-10 seconds and it almost killed me. And I hate it because it brings out so much hate in me and that’s not who I am.
I really wanted to give this girl a punch and it was getting so bad at the end that I thought I was going to have a panic attack. My vision was going a bit blurred and I could feel my heart rate going up. I couldn’t concentrate on the lesson and I felt like I wanted to scrape my fingernails through my skin.
I’ve always hated my reaction to noises like this and I often wonder what it was that caused it. I think it’s the unpredictability of the noises; I never know when the next sniff is coming and the anger I feel is a defense mechanism.
Who knows though?
Does anyone else have this reaction? For me, it is a big reason why I have chosen not to date anyone for so many years. I couldn’t stand to watch them eat or sit with them when they have a cold.
I’ve asked doctors for help and they’ve just told me to practice mindfulness. It’s going to plague me until my dying day and I just wish there was something I could do.