a touch of misophonia

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Those noises!

They scratch inside my skull

Like claws of rats that never cease

To bring me pain and seething hate.

It’s never who I want to be,

But noises make a monster out of me.

I have the worst reaction to noises like chewing and sniffing and it’s plagued me since I was really young. I’m sure that many people have heard of misophonia and may struggle with it too, but I struggle to the point where it can be debilitating.

Today, I was stuck in a lecture with a girl who continued to suck her snot back up into her nose every 5-10 seconds and it almost killed me. And I hate it because it brings out so much hate in me and that’s not who I am.

I really wanted to give this girl a punch and it was getting so bad at the end that I thought I was going to have a panic attack. My vision was going a bit blurred and I could feel my heart rate going up. I couldn’t concentrate on the lesson and I felt like I wanted to scrape my fingernails through my skin.

I’ve always hated my reaction to noises like this and I often wonder what it was that caused it. I think it’s the unpredictability of the noises; I never know when the next sniff is coming and the anger I feel is a defense mechanism.

Who knows though?

Does anyone else have this reaction? For me, it is a big reason why I have chosen not to date anyone for so many years. I couldn’t stand to watch them eat or sit with them when they have a cold.

I’ve asked doctors for help and they’ve just told me to practice mindfulness. It’s going to plague me until my dying day and I just wish there was something I could do.

Much Love

Rachel xx

13 thoughts on “a touch of misophonia

  1. Bon Repos Gites

    Well, that’s a new word for me. I was aware of the condition but not its name. Like you have an aversion to folk that bring-up phlegm like they are mimicking a cartoon hippo and then spit it out loudly πŸ™ Stay Well!

    1. patientandkindlove

      I think it’s quite common. I felt like I wanted to scream so I started researching on the internet and found the word to describe it. It was quite relieving to know that there were other people out there feeling the same.

      1. Nick

        I hope you find a solution like this. Really, I think your GP should have been able to help you more, but no point regretting that; there are clearly options out there for you.

  2. 𝑹𝒐𝑩𝑰𝑡 πŸŒ‹

    Urgh, I can relate to this a lot. Sorry that doctors have been dismissive towards you. It’s a real problem. I think the root problem with misophonia is that it has nothing to do with rationality, but wiring. Some hardwired part of the brain that we can’t change perhaps. Perhaps it’s initially created through traumatic experiences in childhood?

    I’m sure we can adjust our reactions to some extent through mindfulness, but there’s always this underlying initial response, so that even if we try to calm our reactions after the initial surge, it’s always exhausting when it happens repeatedly.

    For me I think the reason I hate these bodily sounds is because they aren’t just soundsβ€” but the sounds are vividly and instantly putting in our minds the source of themβ€” somebody chewing noisily makes us vividly imagine the foot in their mouths going round and round, the consistency of the mulched food and everything 🀒. And the fact that they do it so brazenly and openly, is like they are just selfishly putting it right in our faces without caring. Yet all of that emotional response is with zero thought process before the reaction. All instantaneous! Just like seeing a spider πŸ˜†.

    As to what to do about it… ear plugs, ear defenders, where these are possible. But do fight to have this struggle recognised. I am still early in understanding this myself, so not too knowledgeable on what to do about the knowledge yet! It’s similar to autistic sound sensitivity, though, just more specific and more extreme.

    1. patientandkindlove

      I agree that I think it’s some kind of trauma related reaction. I think doctors need to be better educated in some of these things but I also believe that we need to help ourselves. I paid for counselling and that has helped me to control some of my feelings and reactions.

  3. anotherkatewilson

    I get where you’re coming from with this. My husband chewing makes me want to kill him, and those snot-sucking noises have had my kids put out of the room on many occasions. And thank you for giving me a gratitude moment – as the lecturer now, I don’t have sit next to students making horrible noises any more! πŸ˜€

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