The hard and angry coal face
Grates at skin that wishes for a cleanliness
That’s unachievable to you and me.
But still I’ll rub myself along that wall,
Skinning knees and elbows too.
I wish for skin so snowy white
But dirt is all I can believe.
When I was doing my Open University degree, my mum came home once to find me sitting at the computer and sobbing. The reason for my break down was that I couldn’t get one particular sentence in a 5,000 word essay to sound right.
I’m not a neat freak and I think I can let go of many things nowadays, but letting go of academic work is still really hard. And I’m realising that this week as I’m starting my first assignment for my teaching qualification.
Today, I started the introduction. It is only 200 words long and it has taken me hours because I needed it just perfect. I wish I could just let go of this because I can feel all of that scratchiness in my brain that I felt in my 20’s when drinking became the only answer.
Obviously, I’m not going to drink over this, but it’s giving me a bit of a wake up call. However, I am still on this upward learning curve and I need to remember that all I need to do is pass. I don’t NEED to be top of the class. I would like to be top, but it won’t be the end of life as I know it if I’m not.
So my last thoughts as I put away my laptop and go to sleep will be positive and kind towards myself. I won’t ruin my half term worrying over this. I’ll write the report and send it in with no tears. I’m letting go. It’s scary but it’s also necessary.