losing my religion

I will cling for as long as I can

Like I did to those ropes at school;

The ones that they made us climb in PE,

And I’d often get stuck at the top,

My hands burning with fear and rage,

Unsure how awful the fall could be.

I often feel like I’m struggling with my faith. It’s a mix of two things that make me struggle, but between those two things I am often left feeling like a terrible person, and I’m not sure that that’s the point of religion?

On the one hand, I’m really anxious. I started a new church just a few months before lockdown and I didn’t really get to know people well enough. Then, when the churches closed, I drifted even further away and now I feel too distanced to go back.

The very thought of walking into a building full of people I don’t know, all of us wearing masks, is too much for me to deal with. I can sometimes give up on the idea of going with minutes to spare and it can send me into a bit of a spin (this is what happened tonight).

The slightly more difficult thing to deal with is what happened with my mum. It was after going to an Alpha course for three weeks that she started to lock me out of the house and say that I was a devil worshipper. It felt like she became this unrecognisable person as soon as she became a Christian.

This just made me back away from a God that I had come to love; a God who had got me through getting sober. I couldn’t understand why a loving God would take my mum away from me like that.

I still don’t have any answers and I’m still struggling with my faith. I wanted to go to church but I just couldn’t face it. I feel so anxious that I could even turn to drink if I wasn’t doing so well in the rest of my life.

Has anyone else had a wobble in their faith like this? Is it normal? Do you have any answers as to why God would want this to happen to my mum? I really don’t want to turn my back on the church but it makes me ill trying to go.

Sorry, that this has been a bit whinge-y but it’s eating me up and I am sure there are other people out there who have felt these very same feelings.

Much Love

Rachel xx

PS I’ve chosen to include the Lauren Daigle track rather than the REM one because her voice has got so many people through so much.

15 thoughts on “losing my religion

    1. patientandkindlove

      It’s been horrible. In some ways it’s been great because nobody is going out so us nervous people haven’t felt so pressured. But as things return to normal, it’s becoming a bit more of a problem….
      I hope you are coping OK xx

  1. clcouch123

    Lately, I’ve been struggling with religion more than my faith in God. Here’s part of something (else) I’ve been working on:

    God is good
    We say this
    We know it
    But we deceive ourselves
    When things go bad
    And we say God is no longer
    Might never have been there
    Might be a sadist
    Might like our suffering
    For breakfast,
    Divine meals of pain

    1. patientandkindlove

      Beautiful and true. We all need to have something bigger than ourselves to lean on. I think (along with a lot of people) that the organised part of religion is the bit that hurts us all so much.

      1. Greg Dennison

        I know of Lauren Daigle, I know You Say and I’ve heard some of her other songs. I noticed the similarity to Adele, but I was never particularly an Adele fan in the first place. And Everybody Hurts is a great song.

  2. Tiffany Bryant

    Hi Rachel! I just discovered your blog and this post today, so forgive the late comment, but I felt called to reach out. I am loving your blog so far. Your writing is excellent and I’m looking forward to reading more. You asked if anyone else has had a wobble in their faith – my life has been one big wobble 🙂 I was an atheist until being baptized Christian this May. Being so new to faith, I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some thoughts.

    What I understand is that God loves us and wants the best for us, but in his infinite wisdom, he knows that we need to have free will to be able to choose to return that love. There is no love without free will. If you were forced to love Him, would it be real? So, since we have free will, it opens the door for us to make good choices, and bad ones. He permits us to make bad choices because that is part of allowing us free will, and he knows that a greater good can come out of it. God did not take away your mom, and he doesn’t want ill will between you. Your mom made the choice to behave that way and he allows it, for the reasons listed above, but he does not want it. He wants us all to love and forgive each other. If the ultimate goal is for all of us to love and be in communion with God, then we’re going to be stuck with each other too!

    I’m sorry that she treated you that way. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re a “devil worshiper”. Is there some reason in particular that she thinks that? Do you mind my asking what denomination you and your mom are?

    As for your faith and your church, I’d say… don’t throw the baby out with the bath water! Just because your mom has found a way to twist religion into something you don’t care for, doesn’t mean it is all bad. You seem to know that God has helped you tremendously, so keep at it.

    When it comes to church, I can relate a bit. I’m a pretty anxious and introverted person, myself. What has helped me is to meet people online that are part of my church community and build virtual friendships with them first. Does your church have a social media group you can join and virtual services? If not, maybe you can email them and suggest it. I don’t think you should fear going in person, even alone (I’ve done that a few times and it makes for some peaceful prayer time!), but if it makes you feel more comfortable to know people, it might help to meet them online. You might even explain your concerns in their social media group or in an email to the church, and they might well have some excellent suggestions for you.

    This comment has turned into a blog post of its own! Haha. I’ll let you go, but I would love it if you would visit my new blog too, called A New Eve: A Former Atheist Explores Christianity. It would be great to hear your thoughts on the things that I post. I’ll be praying for you and your family. God bless!

    P.S. I love Lauren Daigle!! Saw her in concert right before the pandemic hit us here. She said “You’ll never regret kindness” and I think I will always remember that thanks to her.

    1. patientandkindlove

      Ah thank you for that lovely comment. It’s when I read things like this that I do feel that little glimmer of hope. You’re right that I shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. My faith has pulled me through some pretty tough times and I will never be able to forget the strength and the peace it has brought me. God bless!

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