I have no Polaroids tucked into boxes,
Pushed into wardrobes or under a bed.
I have no pictures to touch with fingers,
Pointing out memories of summers long gone.
It felt normal back then,
To not have a camera, locked in my hands,
But now I look back at the hazy images
Crowding the corners of an aging mind
And wonder what’s lost through ravages of time.
When I went travelling around South Africa at the beginning of the noughties, I went armed with a disposable camera that eventually got lost, left behind in some awful hostel in the arse end of nowhere.
I sometimes wonder what was on that film and what memories I have lost. There were probably things on there that I have completely forgotten about (and that I was probably a bit too drunk to remember anyway)!
However, those memories aren’t the only ones that have been lost. I’m notoriously bad for not having my phone on me, so I rarely have a camera either. It means that I often live in the moment, but it also means that I don’t capture that moment to look back on years later.
I sometimes feel really sad that I can’t find a single photo of the man I married in South Africa. There are no pictures of our wedding day or the flat that we shared in Durban. And that makes me really sad now.
I also don’t have any photos of when I was pregnant. None of those images of me lovingly holding my bump exist. I sometimes wish that I was famous and got papped so that I had some more photos of myself to look back on, worrying that I’ll become an old lady and have no photos of myself as a young person to look back on.
I’m going to make more of an effort to take photos and films because I love photographs so much. I’ll even make beautiful albums that can be passed down the generations. Or maybe I’ll just keep living my life…..
3 thoughts on “i have no photos”
That’s interesting. And your life is like an adventure novel… you have had some pretty unique experiences!
You have the right perspective on the photos— taking the good that came with not having a camera/taking photos (being more in-the-moment), whilst still saying that you will try to make a change for the future. Sometimes it’s hard to make the change because of feelings of regret. But it’s easier with practice and it’s a really empowering thing to try to do :).
I know what you mean. My entire blog is about my past, yet I have virtually no pictures from those days. I just didn’t like pictures of myself, or taking pictures. I do remember going to a party in June 1996 and deciding for the first time ever to bring my camera so I would have something to remember the night. After that I have pictures of most of the major events of my life. I need to go through them before I get to June 1996 in the blog.
Not one photo of any man from my past, husbands, lovers, others… yet curiously, yes, colleagues & co-clubbers. You’re not the only one without paper memories…