i really need a bottle of love

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A bottle with a screw top, preferably,

So that I can take a sip and stow away the rest.

Just so I won’t have to take

Doses that I’d never handle in a million years,

A little here and there to stem the flow

Of hate that courses through my life,

But not enough to cause that pain

At the other end.

I won’t get into a relationship because I’m scared. I’m one of those people with an addictive personality, and I mean that in the worst possible way. Once I’ve removed the lid on something pleasant, I can’t put it back on for love nor money.

I sometimes wish that I could just dip my toe into love so that I could make myself feel more confident. I wish I could do it so that if it all goes wrong, all I have to deal with is something like a mild hangover.

Unfortunately, most people want to dive right in. And then when they fall out of love with you they cut you off just as quickly.

I hear that love is the most amazing feeling and that’s why people just fall into patterns where they date (unsuccessfully) over and over again. It’s just so that they can get those amazing feelings that come with the early stages of a relationship.

There is so much bad going on in the world at the moment that I feel like I need a sip of love, but the fear makes me just keep it on the shelf, looking down at me disapprovingly.

One day I will find the bravery needed.

Much Love,

Rachel xx

6 thoughts on “i really need a bottle of love

  1. clcouch123

    It doesn’t help that in relationships we move too fast. That has been my sad experience, sometimes my fault, sometimes the other’s. There would be nothing wrong in enjoying both friendship and romance in getting to know someone, even on the way to intimacy. But all these take time for discovery as well as realizing. And we’re not allowing ourselves the slower time and pace.

  2. crispina kemp

    I hear you, Rachel. Love can be beautiful, I’ll not deny. It’s wonderful. And addictive; addictive when we’re not sure it’ll last and we have to feast fast. But oh boy, the pain when it ends. It’s not, “I want to die cos I can’t live without you.” It’s “I want to die cos I can’t handle the pain.”

      1. crispina kemp

        I admit, I do understand the drive to commit suicide in such a situation but I don’t think the pain itself can kill. I’m told it eases with time. The only time I’ve experienced it, it eased through a reconciliation

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