It starts with the chest constricting,

Pulling in tight til the air’s squeezed out,

And then come the thoughts, pouring on in,

Like water that swirls round the hole of the plug,

Faster and faster, tighter and tighter,

Until madness has gripped and there’s no turning back

As I sink down the hole with the ugliest slurp.

I woke up with chest pains this morning. I get them when I’m stressed and they can be pretty scary at times. I haven’t had them for quite some time so it has made me feel uneasy that they are creeping back into my life.

I know how important it is to stay calm right at this point. This is the point where things can go wrong and this time around they will not. Because the point where I get sucked into that plughole is a desperate one and you can’t come back from it.

This time around there is a teacher that is a bit aggressive and I worry that she is going to start slating me. And the more nervous I get, the more mistakes I make and then these strong characters have something to jump on to.

But I’m learning that these people are just that; they are strong characters. They don’t really mean any harm, they just say things a little more harshly than my tender little mind can handle. They probably like me (although they probably also think I’m a bit of a wet blanket).

The point is, I must not tell myself that these people hate me and are out to get me. They just have a personality that is different to mine. And it’s just as much my job to be understanding of them as it is for them to be understanding of me.

I will not spend the next four weeks worrying that they want me dead or that they’re plotting to get me arrested (both of which have been real worries of mine in the past). Instead, I will take deep breaths and just do the best I can.

The worst that can happen is that I fail, nobody employs me and I end up back at the petrol station. It’s not the ending I want but we are all put on our own paths for very special reasons. It’ll just be interesting to see what my path will ultimately be.

Much Love

Rachel xx