what the bloody hell was i thinking?

photo of man running during daytime
Photo by Tembela Bohle on Pexels.com

What is that thing that pushes me

Into places darker than

The hole of hell that draws me in?

What makes me want to feel that pain

That stabbing in the broken brain?

I always do this thing where I sign up for something and then I wonder why the bloody hell I did it. I kind of want to do it but I don’t think about the pain involved when I sign the form and pay my money. Once it’s all signed and paid, I realise how stupid I have been.

This weekend I’ve signed up for yet another 100 mile run. I failed on the last attempt, only making it to 80. And I know in my heart of hearts that I’m going to hate almost every second of it. My ankles will swell and I’ll vomit until there’s nothing left in my stomach. It sounds horrendous because it is.

So, I’ve been spending a bit of time thinking about what my motivation is. Why do I sign up for things that are going to make me miserable? I think that the main reason id attention. The thrill of having people tell me that I’ve achieved something awesome is so great that I’m willing to put myself through hell to get a hit of it.

It’s pretty sad that I need that validation from people to make myself feel worthwhile. To think that there are people out there who can just live there lives and feel like they are enough. They don’t need to be doing things that will harm them to make themselves feel like a whole person.

One day I will have enough self confidence to just stop with this madness, but for now I guess I’m going to spend my weekend throwing up in various bushes. I’m just interested to know if anyone else does things like this to feel good about themselves. If you are like me, make sure you look after yourself. I don’t want you getting into any trouble!

Much Love

Rachel xx

3 thoughts on “what the bloody hell was i thinking?

  1. nickreeves

    Oh, plenty of things, Rachel!
    Wonder how many of those people you get the attention of think,
    Wow! That Rachel! Wish I was that motivated.

    Quite a few I imagine.
    Nick x

  2. crispina kemp

    Yet I know you get a sense of achievement that you’ve not even mentioned there. And in going that extra mile (ok, 99 miles) you’re pushing yourself into another zone… and that releases endorphins. I may not run, but I walk. And I know what it is to keep pushing. But every time, when I wake up that morning, I ask myself, What am I doing? I don’t have to do this. And I don’t have. That’s the thing. And you don’t have to either. But you do it.

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