that losing feeling

person running near street between tall trees
Photo by Philip Ackermann on

I used to feel it when the gun went off,

We’d the water, heart already pounding,

But before I’d even reached the surface,

I knew, somewhere deep down inside

The race was lost already.

And so those girls would pull away,

More and more with each passing length,

And as my heart would sink its way

Further down into my bursting chest,

I’d realise what the rest had seen so long ago;

That this girl wasn’t who she thought she was,

She just wasn’t good enough.

I’ve failed again. I set out to run 100 miles and I didn’t make it. I could make excuses that are valid (it was really cold, and I was being sick, and it is hard to keep going when you’re out on your own), but the truth of the matter is that I’m just not good enough at the moment.

And that really hurts to say that.

But, I’m learning with age that I’m not always going to ace everything. And I have to pick my battles. I can’t train to be a teacher and put the training in. Something has got to give. And unfortunately, at the moment, it is the running that has to drop.

It does remind of the times when I was a kid and swimming competitively though. I would heap so much pressure onto myself and then when I came up short I would be devastated. I remember crying so hard in the changing rooms after a race and just feeling like such a failure.

And a lot of the time it was because I’d also been studying really hard to get the best grades possible. I’d be exhausted and yet I wouldn’t give myself the break that I deserved.

The fact of the matter is that I’m not an Olympic athlete and it doesn’t matter if I don’t do well. This should be fun and I should be proud of the fact that I have made I ran 60 miles further than I would have this weekend.

If you’re feeling a bit crappy about your failings this week, do yourself a favour and treat yourself as you would treat others. Be kind.

Much Love

Rachel xx

16 thoughts on “that losing feeling

  1. Greg Dennison

    I’m sure you can still run a lot farther than I can. As a kid, I could never run the mile in school without stopping to walk at least twice. And when I was at my peak of running in my early 30s, the most I ever did in one stretch was around eight miles, and I was never very fast.

      1. Greg Dennison

        Good for you… and I think a lack of pushing myself as a kid is why I was always so bad at running when I was in school. The last time I started running again, I could do around four miles, no problem, but after some foot problems I think my running days are over. I’ll be staying on my bike as far as exercise goes… my usual bike rides tend to be around 15-20 miles, and occasionally I’ll do much longer rides than that… once or twice a year I’ll do a long all day ride of around 50 miles. I think 56 is the most I’ve ever done in one day. Now that I’m in a better place financially, it might be time to invest in a real road bike… but one large city in my part of the country has already banned walking, running, hiking, and bike riding for COVID reasons, and I’m afraid that’s going to happen here soon too, so there might be no point…

  2. clcouch123

    What do I know? My exercise was walking from class to class and around the classroom. But I think you advise us against allowing sport to become a tyranny and thus, well, less sporting. And you conclusion is considerate and helpful. Thank you for that.

  3. Vic Crain

    No one is best at everything. That’s simply impossible. No brain can hold all knowledge. There is simply too much. You’re point, correctly, is to enjoy what you choose to do and take pride in what you accomplish. The flip side is to know your true strengths and cultivate them to establish your place in the world. The keywords are love, trust and honor, for yourself and for those you include in your inner circle, and kindness and compassion whenever possible.

    The largest funeral I’ve attended — more than 700 people, almost 5% of the small community — was for a 13-year-old boy, an old soul in a young body. He had learned the ideals expressed above and through his actions touched a truly remarkable number of lives in a very short time. This wasn’t mourning for someone brave in the face of illness. He passed due to a dirt bike accident. This was mourning for someone who at a young age learned to help others, acquired skills, stood up for those being bullied, stepped up to help at every opportunity, and made people feel good just being with him. From his example, I know that kind of life is possible. But not if one focuses on failures.

    1. patientandkindlove

      That’s really beautiful. I agree that a positive attitude is everything. Learn from those failures but don’t dwell on them. The failures are normally the best stories to tell later on anyway…

  4. quiall

    That was hard to read at first. But I love your attitude at the end! You are the best you and that is something to be proud of. Thank you for following my blog.

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