Those eyes that bore into your soul
As you spill the things that haunt your mind
Day by day by day.
To me, it’s something rather normal to
Hear I’m not quite worth the air I breathe,
But when I breathe those words out loud
They shock the world that hears them said.
I had a professional studies session today and it taught me a little something about myself. We talked about what motivates us and I put ‘being shown how to become successful’ as the lowest on my list of things.
My colleague leaned over my shoulder and asked why I’d put it at the bottom as he had put it in his top 3. I told him it was because I can only ever see myself as being a low level teacher so it seems a bit pointless to show me how to be successful.
As the words came out of my mouth I could see his face falling and I realised that he pitied me. He actually grabbed my hands and gave me a pep talk and I thought that he might cry because if what I’d said!
But for me, I hear that voice in my head, telling me these awful things about myself and it becomes normalised. It’s only as I say them out loud and see that other people are shocked and horrified that I see my head is still a little bit bonkers.
I can’t even tell you how much I have improved over this term. I wasn’t even sure that I would be able to stand in front of a class and now I can do that. But today made me realise that I still have quite a way to go.
And you never know, one day I might be gunning for a head teacher role. Highly unlikely, but always a possibility.
10 thoughts on “when you realise that they pity you a bit”
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I think with experience comes revelation, which is hardly profound. As you gain in experience as a teacher, you may realize that you have some teaching to offer teachers, hence go for head teacher.
This made me smile. I don’t think there would be a school left if I was the leader. There would just be a crater!
I know this feeling very well… I don’t think of myself as a leader.
It’s frustrating because those of us that feel the most will probably never be leaders and yet we have so much to offer…
Pity? I roll that word around in my mind. I recently encountered someone on Twitter whose outlook was as negative as negative could get. But I didn’t pity her. I wondered what I could do to help. Clearly your colleague had the same thought. But it’s not from pity. Compassion. There but for whatever breaks, go I.
Aw, that’s lovely. And my colleague is lovely too. I think you are right and he did just want to help me find that inner confidence because he’s one of those people in life that has bags of it!
So much, he likes to share it around. Sounds about right