It grabs so swiftly on

To notions that are barely true.

They will hurt, undoubtedly,

Tearing you in perfect two.

The madness isn’t worth the trip

That unravels slowly, all of you.

There are six people on my course that are training to become English teachers. Out of those six, five of them either have jobs or have interviews lined up. And guess who the odd one out is….

Yep. Yours truly.

It’s so early to be worrying about this stuff but it’s making me so twitchy. I’m trying my best to keep my worries at bay but because of the way my head is, I’m finding it difficult.

It would be a lot easier if I wasn’t the only one that has nothing, but knowing that’s the case, I feel like that makes me the weakest link.

And then I start to go down a really ugly rabbit hole. I start to think that my mum doesn’t want anything to do with me and nobody wants to employ me and this must be because I’m a horrible person and they can all see that.

It can take me days to fight my way out of that hole but I can do it now. I’m still feeling a pain in my heart that I’m the only one, but I can tell myself that there’s something better lined up for me. I need patience and trust in God and the right thing will happen for me.

This is a much better attitude if I compare it to how I behaved when I was drinking. I went so far down the rabbit hole that I lost touch with reality. I thought that I was responsible for horrible events in the world and it culminated in a stay in hospital.

I wouldn’t wish that experience on anybody, so if you are worrying like me, try to open your mind and think a bit more philosophically. You’ll find your way.

Much Love

Rachel xx