Driving in the snow, with a foot down on the gas,
The tyres will slip and slide on the icy ground
And still I want to speed it up,
To feel the force that pushes back
Despite the fact I know it brings
A danger that’s not hidden from the world,
But from me,
It’s hidden in the darkness of the trees.
I haven’t had a drink in four years but that doesn’t make it any easier to not do it. I sometimes hate these people in recovery, who tell everyone how happy they are and how perfect their lives are. They may well be telling the truth, but in my mind they are lying. And that’s because I’m struggling; not because I want them to be miserable.
But, when I am struggling, I do sometimes consider reaching for a bottle of wine, just to soothe some of those pains. I won’t do it, but it’s very tempting to just do it.
However, there is always something that stops me. We are told to lean on a Higher Power; something that is bigger than us, and this will help us when things get tough. I think that my Higher Power stops me with little messages that get put in my way.
Today, I was feeling quite overwhelmed and I really wanted to take it all away. And then, I read a post by a woman who lost her dad to drug addiction. She said how lovely he was and how young he was when he died, and of course, how much she misses him.
Reading things like that hurts my heart. It makes me think about my son and what his life would be like if I was gone. And it’s awful. I don’t know what would happen to him.
That lady’s message was enough to stop me in my tracks and it felt like it was put there, in front of me, right when I needed it.
It also reminds me that sharing is so important. We can put all sorts of crap out there on the internet and a lot of it is drivel. But sharing real pain and warnings like the one I read, are important to hear. It takes courage to share things like that so I’m glad some people are brave enough.
I would never have gotten sober if I hadn’t read people’s accounts of their journeys, so I’ll forever be thankful to them.
6 thoughts on “there’s always something there to stop you”
That is where your real strength lies. You are empowered to stop yourself before you reach for that bottle, or go to that pub. You are strong enough, even on your bad days, to hang on, even if it’s barely hanging on. You’re doing it, one hour at a time. And that is how strong you are. I admire you for that.
Yep, I sometimes think it’s the thought of the shame that I would feel if I caved that keeps me going, and that takes an incredible amount of strength! Thank you x
Aw, thank you. It is a struggle and I hope that it helps people setting out to know that even with a few years under my belt, it’s still really hard. I worry that people cave because they think they should be on a pink fluffy cloud after a few weeks.
Proud of you, feeling for you.
Over the past few days it’s been tempting to reach for a bottle of wine I have set aside. My problem’s not in the alcohol but the carbs. So easy to undo all the work I’ve put in
Hold in there, Rachel. You are an example to us all
Rachel, what powerful self-exposure. your sharing will greatly impact the lives of at least person and be the thing that stops them from sliding back. your courage to share and to hang on and do the right thing despite opportunity to do the easier thing are exemplary, plus they’re the practice your brain needs to strengthen your pathway to healing! Way to go sister!
Aw thanks! x