Driving in the snow, with a foot down on the gas,
The tyres will slip and slide on the icy ground
And still I want to speed it up,
To feel the force that pushes back
Despite the fact I know it brings
A danger that’s not hidden from the world,
But from me,
It’s hidden in the darkness of the trees.
I haven’t had a drink in four years but that doesn’t make it any easier to not do it. I sometimes hate these people in recovery, who tell everyone how happy they are and how perfect their lives are. They may well be telling the truth, but in my mind they are lying. And that’s because I’m struggling; not because I want them to be miserable.
But, when I am struggling, I do sometimes consider reaching for a bottle of wine, just to soothe some of those pains. I won’t do it, but it’s very tempting to just do it.
However, there is always something that stops me. We are told to lean on a Higher Power; something that is bigger than us, and this will help us when things get tough. I think that my Higher Power stops me with little messages that get put in my way.
Today, I was feeling quite overwhelmed and I really wanted to take it all away. And then, I read a post by a woman who lost her dad to drug addiction. She said how lovely he was and how young he was when he died, and of course, how much she misses him.
Reading things like that hurts my heart. It makes me think about my son and what his life would be like if I was gone. And it’s awful. I don’t know what would happen to him.
That lady’s message was enough to stop me in my tracks and it felt like it was put there, in front of me, right when I needed it.
It also reminds me that sharing is so important. We can put all sorts of crap out there on the internet and a lot of it is drivel. But sharing real pain and warnings like the one I read, are important to hear. It takes courage to share things like that so I’m glad some people are brave enough.
I would never have gotten sober if I hadn’t read people’s accounts of their journeys, so I’ll forever be thankful to them.