first day back at school nerves

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Photo by Ivan Bertolazzi on

The Head of English was abrupt with me

Made me feel a weight like kettle bells

Clinging to his arm and now

I’m frightened to go in and contribute,

To be myself and do my job.

I’ll slide in on the quiet when the morning comes,

Avoid his icy stare and try to keep my head down low.

It seems an awful waste of time,

But small is what I need to be, folded in

Upon myself, so nobody can see.

I’ve learnt to be small to the point of almost being invisible, because I have been told that I can never be good enough. I’m not perfect so everyone must hate me, is the phrase that echoes round my mind on a daily basis.

And because the Head of English was a little bit short with me on my induction day, I have it in my mind that he hates me. Furthermore, they have already employed the girl who was training there last term, so they gain nothing from having me there. This adds fuel to my little fire as I tell myself that they can’t wait for me to be gone.

It’s now Sunday evening and all of those nerves are kicking in. I’m guessing that everyone gets these wobbles but the stories that I concoct are pretty convincing and well thought out.

The good thing is that I now have the tools to push through it. Before, I would have thought that they were quite literally out to kill me and I’d have gotten myself into a right state.

Even if that guy hates me, I can manage six or seven weeks in his presence. And the chances are that I just caught him on a bad day last time I saw him. I can now rewrite the story to sound a little bit more realistic. It’s a blessing to be able to do that, but I still do feel sick with nerves. I think it’s just one of those things about me that is never going to change.

Much Love

Rachel xx

5 thoughts on “first day back at school nerves

  1. Margot Kinberg

    I’m glad you feel better equipped to deal with your anxiety. You’re right that we all get the wobblies; I know I do. And it’s a sad fact that there are some people who just don’t like us. But the fact is (or so I have found), most people are busy with their own lives, and aren’t nearly as fixated on us as it may seem You could very likely caught the Head on a bad day, or brusqueness may be his manner. In that case, it’s on him to work on his ‘people skills.’ You’re ready for this, and I know you’ll do well.

  2. clcouch123

    We’re not perfect, so we’re normal. And you’re right, people have bad days. Even Heads of English. Especially Heads of English. Sunday is understandably a time for nerves, especially for things that might be worse in expectation. I hope Monday and the days following are good days for you.

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