The Head of English was abrupt with me
Made me feel a weight like kettle bells
Clinging to his arm and now
I’m frightened to go in and contribute,
To be myself and do my job.
I’ll slide in on the quiet when the morning comes,
Avoid his icy stare and try to keep my head down low.
It seems an awful waste of time,
But small is what I need to be, folded in
Upon myself, so nobody can see.
I’ve learnt to be small to the point of almost being invisible, because I have been told that I can never be good enough. I’m not perfect so everyone must hate me, is the phrase that echoes round my mind on a daily basis.
And because the Head of English was a little bit short with me on my induction day, I have it in my mind that he hates me. Furthermore, they have already employed the girl who was training there last term, so they gain nothing from having me there. This adds fuel to my little fire as I tell myself that they can’t wait for me to be gone.
It’s now Sunday evening and all of those nerves are kicking in. I’m guessing that everyone gets these wobbles but the stories that I concoct are pretty convincing and well thought out.
The good thing is that I now have the tools to push through it. Before, I would have thought that they were quite literally out to kill me and I’d have gotten myself into a right state.
Even if that guy hates me, I can manage six or seven weeks in his presence. And the chances are that I just caught him on a bad day last time I saw him. I can now rewrite the story to sound a little bit more realistic. It’s a blessing to be able to do that, but I still do feel sick with nerves. I think it’s just one of those things about me that is never going to change.