just play dead

dried red flowers
Photo by Akshar Dave on Pexels.com

Still like a possum

Scared as the humans pass by

With no harm in mind

I had training with the other English teachers today and there was a point where we were reading through some resources and the tutor just cold called on me, asking if I had any thoughts. I’d zoned out a bit and I had nothing so I just stayed quiet.

The thing was that I had my camera on so she could see that I was there and she just kept calling my name and I just kept ignoring her. It was painful.

I have written about the way that I freeze when I’m put under pressure. I don’t run away or fight, I just stand very still. So I know that that is a pretty typical reaction from me. However, it’s really showing how quickly I revert into my old ways when something goes badly.

My next goal in life is therefore to be able to say the words ‘I don’t know’. I don’t want to risk sounding ridiculous so playing dead feels safer. But really it’s probably safer to admit I’m not sure. The way I handled it means my tutor just thinks I’m rude, or stupid.

Thankfully, if COVID has brought us one good thing, it is the fact that we can blame our own stupidity on tech issues so if I want to continue lying, I can just tell her I couldn’t unmute myself. Sorted.

Much Love

Rachel xx

One thought on “just play dead

  1. Margot Kinberg

    It’s so hard to be caught unprepared like that! You’re right that we have to teach ourselves to say we don’t know, or ask to have something repeated. It’s no shame, and yet it’s hard to do.

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