alice down the rabbit hole

It’s strange to fall with nothing there

To grab, to hold, until she reaches earth,

Solid and inviting, somewhere to feel pain.

But it’s a dangerous place to go

With no way out with ease,

Just a soft and comfortable

Place to cry, and never stop

Until she’s all run dry.

Ugh, I’ve gone down a bit of a rabbit hole and I feel a bit ashamed of it. I’ve gone to that place where I’m feeling very vulnerable and, truth be told, quite frightened.

I have been doing so well over past months but the divorce between my parents is coming to a head and the family home has been sold. I need to go and collect my belongings while my mother sits in the living room pretending that I don’t exist. My dad and I are not allowed to go into the living room or acknowledge her in any way.

That kind of hurts. I’ve done nothing and my mother has basically washed her hands of me.

And then I work, I had the parent complain that I was putting too much stress on the students because I said that I would dish out behaviour points if students didn’t hand in any work. I had the child asking for the recording of the lesson and the parent on the phone to the school within minutes of the lesson ending.

I’ve always been pulled up on my behaviour management and I’ve been marked down time and time again because they say I’m too forgiving and I need to be stricter. It wouldn’t be so bad if the school had backed me up, but I feel a bit like they agreed with the parent and I got a slap on the wrist.

I had a cry while I was out on my run today, then I cried on the phone to my dad. It’s a bit of a rabbit hole because it’s hard to scrabble back up the sides. I just know I need to breathe through this and stay calm.

There is a reason for everything. I wasn’t meant to grow old in that house. I need to learn something from that complaint. And I can’t control people, places or things. Just let go and let God.

Much Love

Rachel xx

17 thoughts on “alice down the rabbit hole

  1. Margot Kinberg

    I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this at once right now. It is a rabbit hole, isn’t it, and you’re wise to try to find a calm space. That will help you gather your thoughts, understand that it’s not about you or anything you did, and catch your breath. We all need that space at times…

    1. patientandkindlove

      Thank you, Margot. It’s really hard but it’s so much down to the fact that we are all sitting in our living rooms and letting our brains run away from ourselves. If we could all just sit and have a coffee with each other and tell each other that it’s all going to be OK, a lot of these worries would just evaporate. We’ll all get there, though! xx

  2. Aimee

    Praying for God’s peace and comfort for you, Rachel, during such a trying time. ❤️🙏🏼 I lived through my parent’s divorce and I know how much pain and heartache it can produce.

  3. Mike

    I know that rabbit hole feeling too, though our specific experiences will be different. You can get to a place where you’ve spiraled in upon yourself and have run out of room, or something. Faith is important as you say.

    Lately I have tried to really hang on to those moments when I feel the presence of God – so I can call that memory up of knowing that God is there, even when I’m down in that damn hole again. God has not gone anywhere, is probably right there with me, I’m just rabbit-hole delving.

    I think that must be some sort of exercise for the soul. Imagine your soul muscle getting tired but then stronger once the current exercise is over. I’m not sure yet how to talk about using one’s time in a rabbit hole to good effect.

    Crying’s like a pressure valve. When your body tells you it wants too, find a safe space and go for it. I’m just only now learning this can feel weirdly good, when I’ve been holding stuff in too long.

    I hope you find your rabbit hole’s rope ladder soon. There’s always one in there somewhere, it can just be tricky to find sometimes in the gloom. You’ll find it though. Just know there are others in their own rabbit holes too – we can yell to each other to make sure we’re all otherwise ok. I guess could be more like foxholes. Metaphors.

  4. clcouch123

    Despite the pain and the frustration and the wish for normal communication that isn’t happening–wow, it’s all hard, isn’t it? Despite all this, I hope there might be some relief once everything is settled and you’re freer to invest in and enjoy what you have. But to have that situation at the house and then the unbalanced stance from the school–which tells you to be stricter only not when it doesn’t want you to be–is so much altogether with which to have to deal. I’m guess I’m saying I hope things settle down some for you. And then enough time passes (if required) for you to employ effectively your talent for a larger perspective.

  5. Nick

    You are not responsible for the decisions and actions of others, even family. You have the gift of choice to determine how you respond. Look after yourself and your loved ones, stay safe and well 🙂

  6. crispina kemp

    Moreover, it seems to me your mother herself more than you. And sometimes, when we don’t want to face something painful, we turn our back on it, pretend it’s not that. We don’t consider how much that might hurt another. I know this, for I’ve done it myself. Don’t take it personally. It’s her issues, not yours

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