It’s strange to fall with nothing there
To grab, to hold, until she reaches earth,
Solid and inviting, somewhere to feel pain.
But it’s a dangerous place to go
With no way out with ease,
Just a soft and comfortable
Place to cry, and never stop
Until she’s all run dry.
Ugh, I’ve gone down a bit of a rabbit hole and I feel a bit ashamed of it. I’ve gone to that place where I’m feeling very vulnerable and, truth be told, quite frightened.
I have been doing so well over past months but the divorce between my parents is coming to a head and the family home has been sold. I need to go and collect my belongings while my mother sits in the living room pretending that I don’t exist. My dad and I are not allowed to go into the living room or acknowledge her in any way.
That kind of hurts. I’ve done nothing and my mother has basically washed her hands of me.
And then I work, I had the parent complain that I was putting too much stress on the students because I said that I would dish out behaviour points if students didn’t hand in any work. I had the child asking for the recording of the lesson and the parent on the phone to the school within minutes of the lesson ending.
I’ve always been pulled up on my behaviour management and I’ve been marked down time and time again because they say I’m too forgiving and I need to be stricter. It wouldn’t be so bad if the school had backed me up, but I feel a bit like they agreed with the parent and I got a slap on the wrist.
I had a cry while I was out on my run today, then I cried on the phone to my dad. It’s a bit of a rabbit hole because it’s hard to scrabble back up the sides. I just know I need to breathe through this and stay calm.
There is a reason for everything. I wasn’t meant to grow old in that house. I need to learn something from that complaint. And I can’t control people, places or things. Just let go and let God.