dropping the defensiveness

A wall that’s smashed with gentle hammers,

Loving every part of me.

It wasn’t good to concrete up

The soul, the ever swelling ego too.

I’ll let it out and hang my head,

Just glad to see the crumbled edges

Swimming into sight.

I still have a bit of a problem with being defensive and it has got me into loads of trouble and made me loads of enemies over the years. I’ve never wanted to hurt people, but I was desperate to save my own skin, so I’d quite happily point fingers to take the heat off me.

One thing I’m learning is that it doesn’t work. I realise why I always looked like a bloody nutcase and probably came across as quite nasty to some. I was terrified of getting the blame, as now I’m realising it’s not all that bad.

Today I received a bit of a snotty email from my head of department because I hadn’t given him a hand over and I had forgotten to press record on the lesson that I did last week (the recording was most definitely my fault!)

I was about to email back and say sorry, but I was expecting the class teacher to do the handover. Then I stopped. I just deleted the words and said sorry, I’ll try harder next time. And that’s the end of the matter. He wasn’t angry and I haven’t pissed off the class teacher by throwing her under the bus.

So, stop with the defensiveness. I cry less, I feel less angry, I get into less trouble. It sounds like a sweet deal to me.

Much Love

Rachel xx

7 thoughts on “dropping the defensiveness

  1. Margot Kinberg

    Learning how not to be defensive is so difficult isn’t it? It’s a self-protective mechanism because we don’t want to be (or feel) punished, or to feel ‘less.’ Confronting our mistakes is a sign of health, though. After all, we love others despite the fact that they make mistakes. We also need to love ourselves – and the mistakes from which we learn.

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