Do you think they know about the panic inside?
About the tears at night because I feel like I’ve failed?
Do you think that that wobble at the end of a sentence
Is enough to betray the feeling that grips
And tortures a person til their ugly and sick?
Or do they not notice? Just carrying on,
Oblivious to the harm they flippantly cause.
I sometimes stand in front of a naughty class and the terror I feel is overwhelming. And I wonder if they are aware of the feelings that they cause. There are some days when you are just ‘off’ and you really have to put a mask on to speak to these kids, and yet we do it.
I think back to my schooling and I was really studious and I didn’t ever notice a bad lesson. I can’t remember any teachers crying or appearing distressed, but it must have happened.
So I can only imagine that these kids are so wrapped up in their own dramas that my feelings wouldn’t be noticed or recognised even if I dropped to the floor and started howling in front of them.
I don’t know if that thought makes me feel good or bad. I guess today I’m quite glad that I’m surrounded by a hundred people that don’t care that I’m scared.