am i dealing with this right?

carton box and tape with scissors on shabby table
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

The boxes packed and sealed with packing tape,

As rooms stand empty, sunlight in the dust,

There’s tears and tantrums buried here

But just a silent thought or two

Is all I need right now.

My childhood home that I always imagined that I would inherit from my parents and live in until I was old is all packed up and empty. My mother has torn the whole of our world apart and this feels like such a sad moment.

But, I really don’t know how I am supposed to deal with this. I couldn’t go to the house and I just got my dad to pick up anything that I still had there. I just couldn’t face the house and now I have the feeling that my dad’s friends think I’m a heartless bitch leaving him to empty the house with them.

It’s not that I was lazy or didn’t want to support him, but the anxiety I have around moving house and then the anxiety over everything that happened in that house when she was going crazy and pulling furniture apart and barricading me and Noah out. It’s just a lot to deal with.

And then, how might I have dealt with those feelings if I had actually gone with him? What if I had broken down or started screaming or hyperventilating? What would they all think of me then?

It’s really bloody hard to know what to do and how to react and I feel that I have always been told that my emotions make me bad, so I’m scared to show them. I will just sit here and do my best, but I think my whole family are a little bit broken at the moment.

Much Love

Rachel xx

12 thoughts on “am i dealing with this right?

  1. clivebennett796

    So sad 😞. But sounds like you’re dealing with it. You’ve swum the channel what is it 4 times and done so many other things. What achievements. Wow 😊

  2. Vic Crain

    The answer to your title question is no, from what you have written, you’re not dealing with it. Avoidance complicates the future by creating new distances with those you love and guilt over what you didn’t do. Better to suck it up. Reality isn’t a choice, and this is only one of many challenges you will face over your life, some much harder than this.

    Homes aren’t permanent. Nor are parents. Nor are you or I. Change is the only constant in life, although death and taxes still seem inevitable for now. Thus life has a certain level of predictability. A time may come when your father needs long term care and his home will be sold to pay for it. And he will die eventually. How will you deal with that, the same way? I’ve witnessed siblings torn apart that way, going from besties to a cold silence lasting decades. Some take responsibility while others turn away, and that destroys any sense of family.

    I am not saying that you are a bad person. However, I rather suspect that you will learn to regret this choice. What seems to work for you now — and since you ask the question, I wonder if it does — may not work at all longer term. I don’t live your life, but you need to be fully conscious, and that means hearing from all sides. Peace be with you,

    1. patientandkindlove

      Thank you. I think that I probably am dealing with this very wrong and that is why I’m feeling so uncomfortable. I think the fact that I know something is wrong is a step in the right direction. The next step is to take a step and be more decisive. As you say, burying your head in the sand isn’t really a solution.

      1. Vic Crain

        It’s not. While not religious, I’m aware of church liturgy that speaks of “errors of commission and omission”, that is, what one doesn’t do can be as hurtful as what one does. You need to decide what is the right thing to do and then just simply do it. If you are doing what you know to be right, you will find both the inner strength and external support that you need.

  3. crispina kemp

    I feel for you Rachel. And for me to say you’ll get through it feels very trite. Sure, we survive such things. But not unchanged. I wish you well in dealing with it

  4. clcouch123

    It seems to me you made the right decision. If I read this rightly, your father had friends to help him and you needed to be a friend to yourself. If your father takes the omission seriously, then you can make it up. It’s important for you to be in safe places, inside and out. Sorry, I shouldn’t be so prescriptive.

    1. patientandkindlove

      No, it’s nice to hear somebody say that I did the right thing when I’m questioning myself. My dad is not one to hold a grudge anyway. If he was angry he has already forgotten about it!

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