a folder full of hate

Papers fall like acid rain

From that faded pink and dog eared folder

That was pushed into the darkest corners of

My wardrobe and my mind.

But now I’ve peeled it open once again

I feel that burning of the skin

That so consumed me for so many years.

It must be thrown, or burnt

In any way to stop those acid tears.

Another episode in the house clearing saga and this time I got a folder that contained all the paperwork from my divorce that happened when I was just twenty.

I was going through another of the bags and I found this pink cardboard folder that was stuffed with letters and printed emails and phone numbers and documents that formed every last part of that painful few years of my early adult life. I loved him so hard and he moved onto someone else and that was a hard lesson to learn and to live through at such a young age.

Now, I have him as a friend on Facebook and I can message him and have no bad feelings. The advice that time heals felt ridiculous at the time, but it really does.

However, I had to shut that file really quickly. As soon as I got sucked back into that time, fifteen years ago, I opened up some wounds that I didn’t realise were still there. But they must be there, somewhere deep below the surface.

That folder is going straight into the shredder. That is where it belongs. I am quite happy where I am and I don’t need to look at those things that caused me pain. If anything, this could be a positive part of the house being sold: the clearing out is like a cleansing of the soul.

I’m kind of looking forward to lighting a fire and having a ceremonial burning, and at the other end I will come out as a stronger woman, just like Britney said all those years ago.

Much Love

Rachel xx

4 thoughts on “a folder full of hate

  1. Margot Kinberg

    I’m glad you’ve worked through that pain, so that you can see it all in a different way now. That sort of grief never completely disappears, but I think you do learn ways to carry it and move on with your life. Still, as you say, it’s funny the things that can bring those raw edges right back…

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