am i bad?

I had a conversation at church today because I’ve had a lot of battles in my mind and I felt like I just needed to speak to someone about it.

I don’t know about anyone else who is a Christian and came to faith as an adult, but I’ve always had this nagging feeling that I’m evil and that I’m going to be one of those people that is going to hell. I feel this even more because my mum doesn’t talk to me and I feel like you do have to be really evil for your mother to turn her back on you.

I have got to the point where I’m questioning myself and whether or not I’ve deserved the abandonment. However, speaking to someone at church they told me that she has pushed the whole family away, not me.

It’s just interesting that we hang onto the feelings that we have as a child that if our parent is angry at us we must have done something wrong. Perhaps that’s just me as I do know that it was something I explored when I went to counselling.

Since I was really small I was always worried that my mum was going to kill herself because of me and those feelings have lingered into my adult life. Whenever I upset her, as a child, she could sometimes disappear for days or wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. I thought that was quite normal but at therapy I was told that it’s bordering on neglect.

My point is, that we carry a lot from our childhoods and being a Christian has sometimes really not helped me at all because I feel like there is no such thing as a loving parent; their love must always come with conditions.

I’m working through this and I think that I need to read my Bible more and listen to talks and remind myself that there is love in this world, and anyone who is feeling the same as me needs to be reminded that too.

Much Love

Rachel xx

3 thoughts on “am i bad?

  1. Margot Kinberg

    Here’s what I feel, Rachel, for what it’s worth. If you believe, as Christians do, that God made all of us, and that God is all good, then it follows that God does not make junk. God made you, therefore you are not evil. We all make bad choices and do wrong things. But you are not inherently evil. If you’ve ever been led to believe anything else, it’s because of someone else’s baggage.

  2. katiemiafrederick

    Brutally Honest
    As Someone Visiting
    “Christians” 61

    Years Who

    Could Feel Worthy

    With A Very Narcissistic

    And Sadly Psychopathic

    Santa Claus Who is

    All Loving, Merciful,


    Until One

    Day In The
    Story Of Life
    This Parent


    In Advance The
    Parent Promises
    If You Mess Up

    Too Much That
    Parent Will Burn

    You Forever

    Unless You Kneel
    Down And Profess



    Is God Obviously
    The Catholic Editors

    Of The Bible Had
    Some Issues


    Cardinals With
    The Blood Of


    Souls Lost
    On Soulless

    Hands Of Evil Stories…

    i For one Am No


    Fool i have
    A Greater

    Parent Real Love
    Not A Good Cop

    Cop Fool
    oF A STory
    Yes A Truly


    MakeS A Difference


    Love That
    Actually Breathes
    For Real Never


    Worship Always
    Forgiving Merciful

    Love That Is Not Evil…

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