I worked so hard to sweep those tiny pieces,
Gathering so carefully, the jagged edges
Cutting through my skin, as fingers worked
To stick them back together with
What little that I had to hand.
And now that I am whole, with just fine lines
To give away the problems there once were,
But you – you took the glue that was the life blood
Of rebuilding me. You trampled on the tools
I used to close the glaring gaps,
And when my work was done, you turned
And left because you let a lie take over,
A lie that I would want you less
When really I just need you more.
I remember being really drunk when I watched ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’ with Meg Ryan in it. In the movie, she is an alcoholic and after admitting she has a problem and going into rehab, her relationship starts to unravel.
As I say, I was drunk when I watched this so my memory is a bit sketchy, but I recall struggling to understand why anyone would struggle to come to terms with their partner getting sober. At the time, I was starting to realise I was struggling and I felt nothing but admiration for people who could get free of the booze.
The problem is that since I’ve got sober, I’ve encountered the same problem. My mum is one of those people that needs people to feel that they need her and so I think she actually enjoyed it when I was vulnerable. I was helpless without her and she really liked that.
I’m seeing it a lot since I’ve taken an interest in how people tick and I think that it’s quite common for people to want their family or their partner to be weak and vulnerable.
I guess that I’m a whole new person so I can’t really expect everyone who knew me when I was drinking to like me now. Some wanted the party girl and some wanted the little girl.
Now I’m an adult woman and I always keep that movie in my mind when I’m struggling with loss. It was a stark warning to me at the beginning of this journey, that things would change and not all of those changes would be pleasant. Some people just prefer you when you’re broken.
One thought on “you wanted me a little bit broken”
Your poem is really powerful, Rachel, and it speaks of a real truth. There are people who want a certain sort of relationship. They want to be in charge/be needed/be the rescuer, and I think that may be one reason people enable addictive activity like drinking. But truly caring about a person means wanting that person to be strong, healthy, and functioning. And that means letting that person ‘take charge.’ It’s too hard for some people to do that.