No filter or lens can take off the sheen,
Those colours so saturated with fear
And something once scratched from
The surface of Hell and smeared on the edges
Of a land I call Heaven – a fake one at that.
But it still feels so special to look back
On those purple hue days, with radio blaring
And windows rolled down, as I sing out so loud
Before the dark winds blow through and
Send me scrambling back down to low ground.
I’m reading a book about running at the moment, and it explores a lot of the reasons why we run and what it does for our mental health. Last night I read the words ‘the more lost or worried you are, the more deeply you drink in the details’ – and that really resonated with me.
I’ve always thought I was alone in finding that the times when I am struggling are the times when my memories are brightest and shiniest. Everyone else talks about these times being ‘dark’, but for me, the adrenaline that comes with my anxiety makes everything colourful and ‘exciting’.
I remember working at a leisure club back in 2014 and the people there were quite difficult to work with. I ended up working myself into one of my frenzies and got to the point where I was convinced I was in danger.
My overriding memory of this time is driving to work in the summer months and just feeling overwhelmed by the beauty as I came over the hill and saw the lavender fields ahead of me. It felt incredible.
I was drinking in all of the details around me more deeply than I had ever before. The sights, the smells, the sounds were all so much more acute.
This is the song that goes alongside those memories. I still can’t make out whether I’m scared or happy every time I hear it. It’s just nice to know that it’s natural to experience this when life is a bit overwhelming.