She stands in the dusty corners of my brain,

White coat clad and clutching at her clipboard

Hoping to unpick the reasons why I do

Those things that cause the earthquakes in my life,

The moments when the ground can slip beneath

My feet in clumps of mud that should be firm.

She scribbles as she watches the undoing,

Never really passing judgement or

Deciding what could fix foundations needed for

A life just slightly smoother than

The one that houses my existence now.

I have been for CBT sessions before now and I had a terrible experience. I’ve been reminded of that experience this week because some of those trigger-y buttons have been pushed. There is a big difference nowadays in that I understand why I feel the way I do and so I can use my newfound coping skills to help me use yet more CBT skills. Wow, I sound like I am very broken when I put it that way.

Now, I feel like I’m a bit more able to calm myself down and approach my reactions in a more scientific light. And I actually find it really helpful to look at it scientifically, these days.

I do enjoy pretending that there is a little scientist in a white coat and holding a clipboard in my brain. She scribbles something down every time my feelings cause me to loose control and it has started to make me laugh.

It’s really interesting to see what kicks me off and what it looks like to someone who is completely impartial. She is sometimes a little bit annoying though; she has a tendency to make me feel really embarrassed about twelve hours after the event has already happened.

Much love,

Rachel xx