five years on and am i any better?

white clouds
Photo by Magda Ehlers on

A bit of a personal one today because my sobriety birthday is coming around and that always makes me a little bit introspective. Next week I will be five years sober and that is massive, but I do wonder if my behaviour is any better than it was.

One of my big problems when I was drinking was that I would fear getting shouted at if I did something wrong. It often led to me waiting until the last minute to tell people that something was wrong and that I needed help. This obviously led to huge problems at work and with family.

And I’ve gone and done the same thing again this week. I really wanted to do a long run and to do that I need my dad to help me with transport as I can’t drive after all that running.

Anyway, I was worried he would shout at me for signing up because I feel like he might be fed up with watching me run to exhaustion. So, I didn’t tell him.

Now, the weekend has rolled around and I have found he has loads of things to do. I’m feeling anxious and ill because I’m worried everyone is angry at me and that I’ve wasted hundreds of pounds. This is just the most typical ‘me’ behaviour that I can think of.

I guess the fact that I recognise this is a problem and I am doing it a lot less means that I have improved. But I am still angry at myself and it always makes me worry that if I can’t correct this, would I also slip back into my old drinking habits just as easily?

I’m sure there are other people out there that find themselves in these cycles of behaviour, and I am sure the stakes are much higher in many of these cases. But I just wanted to share that it’s something I struggle with so badly, so if you are also going through something similar, I hear you. And we can absolutely do better… but we also need to be kind to ourselves and all of our faults.

Much Love

Rachel xx

4 thoughts on “five years on and am i any better?

  1. Margot Kinberg

    First, well done on five years of sobriety! That takes so much work and commitment and determination! I admire you. I think we all have those patterns, whether or not we drink. No-one’s perfect, and the best we can do is be aware of those patterns and work through them. The problem is, we’re not good at it at first, and we slip up. I wouldn’t berate yourself too much for not mentioning this to your dad. You understand exactly what happens, and you’ve learned. Now, the next time, you’ll take the step of asking for what you need. Forgive your mistakes, just as you would hope to forgive others who mess up.

  2. carol hopkins

    First of all, Congratulations!!!! That is so awesome and also, Happy Birthday. No, you are not alone. Sending hugs and prayers for strength and positive energy are coming your way.

  3. clcouch123

    You probably don’t need to be told you are doing better, because you are (thankfully) doing better. What you say here here can be so helpful for someone else. I don’t think fear is thought of enough in terms of understanding help.

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