cut my losses or try again?

different sizes and forms of scissors
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

It’s toxic, so much so it hurts,

It stings my eyes and burns my skin

Leaving blistered boils behind.

But on the other hand, I need that drug,

The mother’s love I craved so long,

Watching mums in town with girls,

Comforting despite their flaws

And soon I see I needed love

But not the poisonous type,

The type that comes conditionally.

And so the choice must swoop in low

And snatch the wrong one from my grasp

As someone needs to help me choose.

I haven’t seen or heard from my mum for over a year now, and I am constantly growing in confidence without her being there. It makes me think that perhaps I’m better off, but even typing that makes me feel like a terrible person.

My confidence has always been really low and I just thought that I was born that way, but I have realised that constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing around her has really made me an anxious human.

I’m now at a point where I need to make a decision. She doesn’t send me cards or even a birthday text so she is done with me, do I just stop emailing and texting her. I have said that I will talk with her but I need some sort of therapist or mediator with us. And she has said no.

I’d love to hear if other people have had similar experiences. Will I regret it if I let her go? Or will I flourish without the worry of not being good enough for her? Any thoughts people? Am I being a bitch? Or have other people done a similar thhing?

Much Love

Rachel xx

3 thoughts on “cut my losses or try again?

  1. Margot Kinberg

    I’ve had to let go of toxic people, Rachel, and in one sense it really hurts. It’s grieving for how things might have been – how they ought to have been, perhaps. But if you will be stronger and healthier by ending that relationship, then your health and sanity deserve it. I know that’s easier to say than do, but it’s how I feel about it…

  2. clcouch123

    My mom and I did not get along. I couldn’t meet her expectations, which she’d tell me about only after I had disappointed her. I’m sure there was more. I’d still keep in touch because I was pretty much a child and didn’t understand the realities and possibilities. Then she got cancer. I took care of her without thanks, and then she died. I felt numb for a long time, and then I must admit I had to realize I was starting to feel freer. I was young when most of all this happened, and much about relationships and life was screwed up inside me for a long time. I’m working out things, even now.

    It must feel odd when the unusual and sad must happen. I think you can stand ready for when your mom deigns to take part. I think you can do whatever seems smart and safe before, during, and after. In fact, you should.

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