packing up and leaving

blue travel luggage
Photo by Craig Adderley on

The clothes are stuffed in messy mounds,

Every item pulled from old pine wardrobes,

Hangers clanging as I pull the dresses

Only worn the once, to some family wedding,

A second cousin I last saw at just seven.

Zipping up the bag I look around again,

The last time I’ll ever see this room

Where I cried when I failed that English paper

And the bed where I first had sex.

I shed a tear, even if I didn’t want to cry,

To show that weakness. I wanted the world

To see I didn’t give a fuck, but actually

It hurts.

Whenever I find myself going through a difficult time I always have the urge to run. My natural instinct is never to fight – it’s just to get the hell outta there.

I ran from college when life felt too hard, and I ended up in London and then South Africa. And then when I was struggling at the end of my time drinking, I always had this desire to just get in my car and drive.

The urge was so strong that I even had an exit strategy. I would park my car at the supermarket and get the bus into town, I’d draw a few thousand out of the bank and then pay cash to get on a train and just head north. I find it quite scary that I had thought about it in such detail.

I realised today, that I haven’t made any plans for so many years. There have been so many scary times and I’ve stuck it out – and wanted to stick it out too.

I think that these days I understand the pain that goes hand in hand with running away, whereas before, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about my own pain that would come from running and, more importantly, I didn’t care about the pain I’d inflict on others. And for that I am thankful for the changes I have made.

Much Love

Rachel xx

3 thoughts on “packing up and leaving

  1. Margot Kinberg

    You’ve done so much growing, Rachel! It’s very hard to make the changes you’ve made, and do the growing you’ve done, but you’ve stayed strong and done it! I admire you for that. Thanks for sharing the helpful lessons you’ve learned, too. It helps us all.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.