controlling the world

person holding a black remote control
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

He went out tonight, so I looked under the bed,

Just looking for anything, really,

A receipt for a meal or a diamond ring,

But nothing was there so I turned to the wardrobe,

Pulling out clothes and dusty old shoe boxes.

I moved to the drawers and then to the laptop,

Hungry for anything to fill up that hole,

Anything to prove that I’m right about me,

That I’m scared that he’ll see

What an ever so broken girl I can be.

I heard a woman talking about her recovery not so long ago and she was speaking about issues with relationships. She told a story about how she almost ruined a great relationship because she was obsessed that he was cheating on her.

Her obsession became so strong that she went through his stuff and found something that she didn’t want to see. Obviously, a whole huge argument ensued and it could have ended badly.

It didn’t end badly, but it just goes to show how our defects, as human beings, can be really harmful to us. Our fear of rejection and pain and failure are enough to eat us up and make our lives a living hell.

I did my version of this today, creating a little story in my head; a story that was pure fiction. I knew that some Year 10s were slagging me off and I couldn’t just trust in myself and my own ability. In my head, the senior teachers were listening to them and planning how they could go about sacking me.

And if I do get sacked for doing something wrong? I can always fix that when the situation arises. I have been through loads of tough situations and I’m still alive, with a roof over my head. This lady’s story reminded me that the key to having even a sliver of happiness is to just let go. Control is just an illusion…

Much Love

Rachel xx

4 thoughts on “controlling the world

  1. Margot Kinberg

    Sometimes we do have to ask ourselves what is real and what we are creating in our minds, Rachel. Just taking the time to step back and think can make all the difference in the world.

  2. anotherkatewilson

    Students slag everyone off, no one teaches for long and avoids it. I spent hours late last year trying to comfort a new staff member who had been slagged off by her students. She wasn’t fired, and was never going to be.
    Even if the senior teachers heard it, they’re probably just rolling their eyes at how juvenile the kids are.
    Hang in there!

    1. patientandkindlove

      It’s good to hear that it’s not just me. I think that when you’ve not worked with kids before, you forget that they behave differently to adults. It will take me a while to grasp that idea properly!

      1. anotherkatewilson

        They definitely are not adults! 🙂 When I was doing my teaching training I remember being told that younger kids will laugh if you fall over in class, older ones will ask if you’re okay – because it takes time for them to develop empathy with adults.
        I also noticed that kids can forgive and forget, or possibly just forget, way quicker than adults. I had one terrible day with one year 9 boy who was just awful, and I ended up sending him to the principal’s office twice – a big deal in that school. The next day he was perfectly nice, and even thanked me for something.

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