I had a really bad day today. I went into a tail spin first thing in the morning and it became really hard to get out of it. It basically comprised of me crying for two hours while various people came into the office to try and console me.
The problem was that my Head of Department was steering well clear of me and I was desperate for her to tell me that it was OK – that I wasn’t going to get fired.
I have felt like I’m under a heavy cloud all day, which is quite normal when I have one of these episodes but I am also left wondering what effect I have on the people around me.
It might be true that she is planning to have me fired by Friday, but it is also possible that she thinks she is responsible for making somebody really distressed. If that is the case, it does make me worry about what is going on around me when I’m in my head.
When it happens, I think of nobody but myself, and I think that’s quite a primal reaction, rather than me being a selfish person. In my mind I’m about to lose my job and go to jail so I have to scramble to make sure that doesn’t happen.
One thing that has changed is that I’m going back in on Monday and facing the music. If I need to say sorry to anybody, I will do that. Five years ago I would already be booking a doctor’s appointment to get myself signed off.
Now I am brave. I’m a little bit wonky, but I am brave.
I hope that if any of you have had a bit of a bad day, that this may have spoken to you in some way.