They pack their bags and close the door,
Just the whistling of the wind
Swirling down the hall, the rev of the car
And then the harmful silence like
The piercing of the skin, it’s just the hurt
Is on the inside not the out,
So best not say a word.
I spent my twenties thinking that I was very independent because I didn’t need a man and I was quite content being single. But the more I have taken a serious look at myself, the more I have realised that that is completely untrue.
I spent my twenties living with my parents. I told everyone it was because it was good for Noah, but really it was for me. I was scared that going out alone would be a disaster and that Noah would suffer too.
I have been single for many years and, again, I think a lot of that is down to the fear of getting into something that will hurt me and just end in tears.
The older I get, the more I seem to realise that I have serious issues around feeling abandoned and needing to cling to people so that doesn’t happen. It’s not something that upsets me, but it is something that I would like to challenge someday soon.
A colleague who I really get on with has said that she is leaving at the end of this academic year and it really showed me how upset I get by people who ‘leave me’. This is somebody who I know on a professional level and, even in that context, I struggle to let go.
I know exactly where this comes from but it’s something that is niggling at me and admitting that there may be a bit of an issue is the first step in fixing it.