does it make me really shitty?

black crt tv
Photo by Huỳnh Đạt on

If I curl up on the sofa

With the curtains closed,

Watching videos about books

And pretending there’s no life

Outside these few square metres,

Does that make me shitty,

A person to be hated

Or at least scorned today?

I have had a rule since I started my teacher training and then my ECT years, and that is to make it into work, no matter what. There will be exceptions made if I’m vomiting or need to spend a lot of time in a bathroom, but I am absolutely not allowed to skip a day because I feel anxious.

I have had so much time off over the last ten years because of anxiety and depression, just because life builds up and I’ve not had the skills to deal with it. I still struggle, but now that I have a job where people really depend on me, I make sure that other areas of my life will suffer before work does.

The rule is that every social situation will go out of the window before I need to take time off, and that has worked for two years now – and I’m super proud of myself for managing that.

However, that has meant that I’ve regularly let people down when I’ve been invited places and it really pains me to think that other people might hate me for my flakiness.

I can’t even begin to tell you how crushing the weight is as social situations creep nearer and how shitty I feel when I inevitably end up sending a hurried last minute text to cancel.

Part of me wonders what my life would look like if I could keep pace with everyone else. I’m proud of mastering the work situation but it hurts to think of the trail of people who don’t like me because I guess my behaviour is rude.

Are there any other flakes out there? Because I love you and I feel your pain. Stay strong, we’re not horrible people – we just need good people to help build us back up, not knock us further down.

Much Love

Rachel xx

7 thoughts on “does it make me really shitty?

  1. Margot Kinberg

    You are doing what you need to do for you, Rachel. Anyone who really cares about you will know that, and will give you the time and space that you need to take care of yourself. And those are the only people you need to invest yourself in, if that makes sense. You’re wise to know what your body and mind need, and do it.

  2. crispina kemp

    For different reasons, but I’m a social recluse and I’ll make excuses not to go. Big hugs to you, I so admire how you’re staying with it and doing so well. Don’t be down on yourself, and don’t imagine others are too… they’re too busy being down on themselves, too 🙂​

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