just wanting to fade away

woman wearing blue jacket standing on grass fiels
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Just to fade into the air

A whisper on the wind before

I’m gone forever

While no one even noticed

I was slipping out of life.

I’ve always had this feeling that I’m not wanted in places and I always feel a bit surprised when people say they do want me to be somewhere, whether that be socially or professionally.

It has always led me to feel like I want to just fade away, and I realise how sad that sounds as I write it. I’ve never wanted to die, but to just fade out in a way that doesn’t draw attention and won’t make a fuss.

I think that was what my drinking was about; a way of being reckless so that I could slowly kill myself off. And then there was a time when I literally wanted to diet my way out of existence and I ended up struggling to walk up a flight of stairs.

I write this because I see lots of kids in school who seem to think in exactly the same way and I hope that they do learn to control these feelings before they reach adulthood.

I still sit at home, wondering whether I should go to parties where I’m sure that I’m unwanted. But at least my behaviour is less dangerous. I just need to find the guts to get out to a Jubilee gathering this weekend.

Much Love

Rachel xx

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